Memories... are living entities

Many times memories are living on in.

Sometimes I try to impose the past onto the future - the memories shaped many parts of what we are.

How much we have left the past and moved on?

Perhaps we can never leave the past, it is transformed, adapted and subtled -

very often, as reminders, of where we stand today.

Recuperate... and go on

It is 8 months since the last blog.

And there goes nearly 7 months I am in the relationship.

Whether be it single or attached, it takes equal courage to be living happily and contentedly.

I just wish there'll be always something for me to look forward to.

Fuck the dishonesty

I believe he is living an another life.

Fuck the dishonesty.

regardless of social responsibilities and pressure and obligation and blah blah

one does, always have a choice - to be true to oneself.

I might be lonely sometimes as being single - but I do not have any guilt and do not have to live my lfe in denial. Why should one be?


Fuck these sort of buggers -
they are as bad as criminals -

Are memories indispensable?

I have never asked so many questions before trying out a relationship.

Nothing is absolutely safe - but somehow I am just trying to set up a safety net for myself, if it is the case I woud fall, at least the injury can be minimised.

Tina said I was being - really - careful; will I lose the adventurous part of the relationship?

When comes to relationship, to me, now - I just wish it can be as steady, as possibile as I wish.

Drama? I am sure bits and pieces of it come along the way.


But just - when you are starting to build memories with somebody, the memories will be with you for a long time; It may be sweet when you're flashing them back again sometimes; but vice versa, it may be bitter.

are memories dispensable?
sometimes I wish it can be.
probably it would alleviate the pain better.

whether dramatic or monotonous?
whether turbulent or steady?


I guess sometimes when you are already in it -
half of it
is not in your hands.

loving it, hating it

i don't know how the life can exactly be if i ever get into a relationship again.

what i'm feeling now - the urge of missing somebody and wish not to be missing somebody makes me, very uneasy. Though he sounded all right, though we both, sounded, comfortable with each other.

is it a pre-emotional stage of falling into - something called love, again?

I know it clear loving somebody again is never easy, for me.

Can I just be with someone comfortable, for a long time, enjoy the companionship, without thinking of - Love?

A companionship driven relationship VS a Love driven relationship.
How much of these can the emotions handle? and constructively build the future together?

And either way the relationship will get complicated.

I am just wondering whether I am ready enough for the forthcomings.

restless drizzles

I was as restless as the drizzles -
as I thought it shouldn't be rainy now. And the rain was caused by the La Nina phenomenon.

I thought my steadiness could stay with this routine for a longer time, but I couldn't.

anyhow, the restless didn't cause much ripples.
I went to see my regular messeur and he has been accomodating as usual. and I rejected and thanked him for his offer of jerking me off. He is a nice guy. and tired and he needed some rest. I hugged him as might he need it as much I needed to be in someone's arms.

the sexual urge does subside as my body and thought go by;
and sometimes I need more warm arms rather than jerking stimulation.

a little moment in the routines

it was another coincidence that i caught the movie 'The Lake House'.

Martin said why was i, lately into these 'sweet, romantic, lovey-dovey' movies.

It came somehow, not intentionally.

Is it possible a distance correspondence could actually manifest a true relationship?
In my heart I am hoping it to be -

Philip was saying it wasn't easy in a town like New Jersey, meeting up with a potential asian guy for a relationship -

even though i am down here in Singapore - it was not relatively easy.

Sometimes I will just try not letting these little moment get to me.

Even though it's nice to have someone to hug with in the middle of the, cool - cold - night.

the hesitate of the chemistry

I was flipping the channels last night -
and a movie caught my attention.

and only the next morning i found out it was a 2006 movie; i thought it must haven been quite sometime ago, apparently it wasn't.

"The Holiday" by Jude Law, Cameron Diaz and Kate Winslet.

Sweet, warm and nice - especially for a getting colder, festive season like now and... watching it with someone close. how it must be so huggy.

Sometimes I hesitate -
that how real and how much can a chemistry be -

it's getting 2 years I got to know Philip - and we could still have long conversation, sometimes. And we've never met. As he is thousand miles away at New Jersey.

it's an envy to see people passionately in love, again.

But sometimes i guess i really need a lot of direction for a way back into it.
just like it sings.