au Café des Autres (café of the others...)

Re-opening

2010-05-16T23:15:00.002+08:00

I guess i'm coming back and running the café des autres again.

It's been abandoned for long.

It should be a sanctuary for my mind and thoughts that I can just jot all these moments down for myself to see how i made through my journey.

Writing to your ownself

2010-05-14T11:52:00.003+08:00

While many people facebook and enjoy the conveniences of updates of messages and exchange or ideas and talks and gossip, writing on a blog, without all these extra features, it seems to me, like being in a sanctuary.

And I'm glad to have learnt about this.

And I changed the look of the template to encourage myself.

Memories... are living entities

2009-02-18T11:03:00.002+08:00

Many times memories are living on in.

Sometimes I try to impose the past onto the future - the memories shaped many parts of what we are.

How much we have left the past and moved on?

Perhaps we can never leave the past, it is transformed, adapted and subtled -

very often, as reminders, of where we stand today.

Recuperate... and go on

2009-02-18T10:34:00.002+08:00

It is 8 months since the last blog.

And there goes nearly 7 months I am in the relationship.

Whether be it single or attached, it takes equal courage to be living happily and contentedly.

I just wish there'll be always something for me to look forward to.

Are memories indispensable?

2008-06-05T13:10:00.001+08:00

I have never asked so many questions before trying out a relationship.

Nothing is absolutely safe - but somehow I am just trying to set up a safety net for myself, if it is the case I woud fall, at least the injury can be minimised.

Tina said I was being - really - careful; will I lose the adventurous part of the relationship?

When comes to relationship, to me, now - I just wish it can be as steady, as possibile as I wish.

Drama? I am sure bits and pieces of it come along the way.

But just - when you are starting to build memories with somebody, the memories will be with you for a long time; It may be sweet when you're flashing them back again sometimes; but vice versa, it may be bitter.

are memories dispensable?
sometimes I wish it can be.
probably it would alleviate the pain better.

whether dramatic or monotonous?
whether turbulent or steady?

I guess sometimes when you are already in it -
half of it
is not in your hands.

loving it, hating it

2008-05-22T10:34:00.002+08:00

i don't know how the life can exactly be if i ever get into a relationship again.

what i'm feeling now - the urge of missing somebody and wish not to be missing somebody makes me, very uneasy. Though he sounded all right, though we both, sounded, comfortable with each other.

is it a pre-emotional stage of falling into - something called love, again?

I know it clear loving somebody again is never easy, for me.

Can I just be with someone comfortable, for a long time, enjoy the companionship, without thinking of - Love?

A companionship driven relationship VS a Love driven relationship.
How much of these can the emotions handle? and constructively build the future together?

And either way the relationship will get complicated.

I am just wondering whether I am ready enough for the forthcomings.

restless drizzles

2008-03-16T22:49:00.002+08:00

I was as restless as the drizzles -
as I thought it shouldn't be rainy now. And the rain was caused by the La Nina phenomenon.

I thought my steadiness could stay with this routine for a longer time, but I couldn't.

anyhow, the restless didn't cause much ripples.
I went to see my regular messeur and he has been accomodating as usual. and I rejected and thanked him for his offer of jerking me off. He is a nice guy. and tired and he needed some rest. I hugged him as might he need it as much I needed to be in someone's arms.

the sexual urge does subside as my body and thought go by;
and sometimes I need more warm arms rather than jerking stimulation.

a little moment in the routines

2008-01-14T12:20:00.000+08:00

it was another coincidence that i caught the movie 'The Lake House'.

Martin said why was i, lately into these 'sweet, romantic, lovey-dovey' movies.

It came somehow, not intentionally.

Is it possible a distance correspondence could actually manifest a true relationship?
In my heart I am hoping it to be -

Philip was saying it wasn't easy in a town like New Jersey, meeting up with a potential asian guy for a relationship -

even though i am down here in Singapore - it was not relatively easy.

Sometimes I will just try not letting these little moment get to me.

Even though it's nice to have someone to hug with in the middle of the, cool - cold - night.

the hesitate of the chemistry

2007-12-11T23:39:00.000+08:00

I was flipping the channels last night -
and a movie caught my attention.

and only the next morning i found out it was a 2006 movie; i thought it must haven been quite sometime ago, apparently it wasn't.

"The Holiday" by Jude Law, Cameron Diaz and Kate Winslet.

Sweet, warm and nice - especially for a getting colder, festive season like now and... watching it with someone close. how it must be so huggy.

Sometimes I hesitate -
that how real and how much can a chemistry be -

it's getting 2 years I got to know Philip - and we could still have long conversation, sometimes. And we've never met. As he is thousand miles away at New Jersey.

it's an envy to see people passionately in love, again.

But sometimes i guess i really need a lot of direction for a way back into it.
just like it sings.

feeling the cool breeze serenades

2007-12-09T21:37:00.000+08:00

it's been 4 and half months since the previous post.
I had trip to Bali and back again from Bangkok last month.

I have been listening to Eva Cassidy's.

A voice full of stories.
as though her strength and her soul - are still there
relentlessly singing of her passion

while I am listening to her
and feeling the cool breeze of the night
serenades.

An Xtraodinary post

2007-07-26T18:35:00.000+08:00

The below article was published on a Singaporean press - Today's weekend 21-22 July 2007 Issue.

Bangkok, endless wonders of sexual rendez-vous

2007-07-18T17:08:00.000+08:00

The meetup with Brian turned out unexpectedly good. And I started to find Brian's boyfriend, Be, attractive. Things change. People's mindset change. I expressed my fancy of Be to Brian, and he joked about having a 3some.
I wouldn't mind at all, seriously. And we chatted, I and Be; the conversation was enjoyable - in a way I did wish Brian's joke would come true.

After the dinner with Brian and friends, we went to Farous II - an amazing sauna, totally resort like, pools, karaoke, gym, garden - at 12midnight, the place was still full of people. Mainly local Thai visits the place, it is another new joint to experience the demure and wild sex of the local Thai.

I walked up to the rooms area, and I found Brian in the room. A corner unit, with a whole stretched mirror connecting the bed, and in front of us was glass mounted all the way from the roof to the floor. We overlooked the night-green scene through the window.

We kissed and had sex. Just like a year ago. The passion remained as it was.
I didn't have that much guilt as I had a year ago, after I knew about Brian has Be.
We had sex again 1 day later at Brian and Be's house; their working studio was connected with the bedroom; we started at the studio and ended up in the bed.

Brian and Be have been together for 10 years. How many of gay couples can stay on with a relationship of more than 10 years. They share the same passion in career, and maybe life - even though sex is no longer the priority, and even though it is clear that sex with people no longer raises issue - Be is indeed a nice guy. His warm hospitality, his attractiveness - are getting into me.

Lots of sex - like another sauna paradise, Chakran, generating other endless sexual rendez-vous for the gay people.

I shall see Bangkok again soon - for Brian, for Be - for another total chemistry packed rendez-vous.

Setting back for more?

2007-06-15T00:22:00.000+08:00

Time flies, time flies.
I can't imagine it's been 5 months here I am, working in Singapore.

The very first time I am working on a routine-hour basis job - somehow there was no complications of adapting this working lifestyle. Except the pay is nothing to shout about, in fact, I sometimes pretty enjoy my work down here - doing designs, conceptualization, copywriting - having for a little sneaky-excursion during my journey out for shooting for clients sometimes.

I guess I have decided to stay on a little more in this company before I seriously seek for another better outlet.

Personal life is "nothing much during the weekdays' evenings" and "little shopping, beach-ing and tanning at sentosa island for the weekends".

Ya that I visited the bathhouses here. This sauna place I have frequented a couple is cheap, only 6 bucks, and mainly elderly men crowd - late 30s to 50; I guess the cheap entry fees tell about the crowd - anyhow I do prefer elder men; and I was reserved and cautious - upholding 3 policies - no kissing, no ass-fucking and no deep-throat-sucking. Ya you may be to condemn me of being an idiot - I couldn't resist of not going to the bathhouse at the same time I don't think it's worthy enough of risking myself to go all the way - guess I'd be the idiot then.

Uncles give good treats. even though just simple and clean ones.
Uncles at this bathhouse here treated me ok.
And Big COCK! I was impressed that a rather slim uncle had quite a well-hung big dick. Yes - no breaking policies, boring somehow, that uncle blew and handjobbed me till I came. I noticed regular faces (almost everytime I go I see their faces) - horny uncles, I wonder whether were theyv all married.

It was a strange feeling having myself consciously, clear-mindedly looking at the uncle at my groin - taking in, sucking touching my dick - looking at their dicks, swinging in front of me - watching their affectionate caresses on my body - what drove them for that such desires? It's always not fulfilling that I had always wanted a resting in their arms after the cummings - anyhow, after cummingst, hat marked the end of the encounter: time to walk out the door.

Pair of arms of resting. of warmth. my desire.

I am fine of being single - But I will LOVE if I can have someone.
Brian came and went.
Someone like Brian whom reminded me about love.

Brian was drunk last week. He commanded me to strip off and sex-webcamming to him. He was rude - and he had never been like that. It was kind of turn-on. He reminded of my those of the wild-days.

Brian is still inviting - maybe he is not aware of that. and I like that.
It does not mean to me for as he has been attached for 10 years.

It is good that he is remote.

Teddy bear Guru said that I will be seeing a white guy soon - a relationship I will be having here in Singapore; It doesn't seem to have been happening in anyway yet...
Be it a good one, a good one...

Getting down to routines

2007-04-07T15:27:00.000+08:00

It's been 3 and half months I am in Singapore.
No complaints, everything went well with my job search and remain as a graphic designer - the first job I applied here in Singapore.

The ever hearthrobbing moment -the time I had to do my medical check-up for my working permit; Somebody whom we had mutual sexual encounters, whom I have lost touch by now, telling me he was tested HIV+ in March 2006. We had not met each other since August 2005, but the news struck me - as anybody would; we never had anal intercouse nor steaming hot sex but still - yes, the chances of me getting being +, IS POSSIBLE.

The result is fine. Everything is normal.

And I am seeing someobdy. Somebody whom would love me more than I would love him.

Getting down to routines - taking bus, transit at MRT station to work - come home - hanging around at home - chatting with my sister - giving my niece tuition - seeing mum every fortnightly -

Guess this is the moment I spend the most time with family since I left home for study and work in KL. At the downest part in my life, yes - it was the family which backed me up.

I don't know whether will I be happy ever after down here in Singapore - it is like 50%-50%; anyhow for moneywise, Singapore is treating me well, and it will be as good if I choose to stay on.
And if everything goes well with my teaching application, (yes, being a Singapore Government servant), guess soon I will become a teacher then.

I just thought all these will do me good then - more routine job, steady income, more holidays, more travels, more own free time for any possible developments of my interest.

Getting down to routines -
guess there will be no complaints for sometime.

And Harry? I still miss you. I was overwhelmed to have written the post about his re-visiting. It should have been written with more rationals.

What is said is said, moreover it was written.

And Brian? I know you miss me sometimes, but you know my stand clearly. You could be subconsciously agreeable to my stand but you couldn't resist the temptation and your way of regularity. We could have been much happier of being together but you ignored it and let it go.

It was meant to happen.

And Phillip, are you happening?
We're all in our own squares now and we're afraid of the risk of leaving it.

One love, one lifetime - as sung in Phantom of the Opera- it's getting utopic...

Looking at myself..

2006-11-10T14:55:00.000+08:00

Sob

2006-10-09T14:07:00.000+08:00

It's been nearly another 2 months - since the previous post.
I went to this M****I-M****A bathhouse, in row on Friday 25, Aug and Sun 27, Aug.
Harry left on Sunday.

The sex at the bathhouse was a reflection of frustration.
What the heck am I doing here?
It is the question I ask myself for my life here in KL.

So I decided to pack up my life here and go somewhere.
Yes, I want to leave the country.

Whether it is Harry, it is my art, it is Brian, it is my passion - all seem right to me but at the wrong timing. It doesn't mean to happen - here for me.

Why is there so much rage but I just keep it down?
Why is there so much dissatisfaction but I just keep compromising?

I need to find a place which I can call it a home for my heart.

Harry

2006-08-16T17:50:00.000+08:00

Sunday night – 13 August, 2006. 10.30pm
I cried, and I was driving home.

It was right that I didn’t cry in front of him.
That was moment I saw our friendship has blossomed. All the long distance correspondences haven been validated.

After 1 year 2 months and 26 days, Harry appeared at my doorstep just like that.
He called on Saturday evening, using his Dutch number,
“How’re you and where are you now?”
“I’m home, doing some chores..”
“Open the door”
“Harry, please don’t play this kind of game… I don’t see you?!”
“It must be the wrong block… give me a minute”
“Harry…”

5 minutes later. He stood in front of me.
A total, complete surprise – Shock, is the word I’d rather put it.
He carried a bottle of Moet-Chandon champagne, giving me a big, big hug.

I really didn’t know what to say. I was in the mid of cleaning the house, cooking dinner – all these just came too sudden. For that 10 minutes I carried on cooking dinner, getting another portion… and I didn’t know how to take this surprise.

Too much I have thought about how were we going to meet at the second time – never expected it would happen in Malaysia – more likely, I thought I would see him the second time in Holland - but it happened, at my doorstep.

I thought I would be the one whom appeared at his doorstep, carrying lots of stuff, going to prepare a dinner for us – celebrating our reunion. But instead of that, he was the one gave the surprise. I was so touched, I was overwhelmed – nobody has done something like that to me. It has been a bad habit – I think too much and care too much about other people and I forget about myself.

I was telling Tina Turner and Haili about Harry (Haili has been my close mate since 6 months ago, and also a freelance working partner, somebody I know that we will stay good friends for a long long time) – that it seemed I didn’t sound very happy with this complete surprise – NO, of course I am HAPPY, I am totally OVERWHELMED – I just thought I could have planned more for our reunion – like I’m seeing him in Holland, he goes to work as usual in the morning, I have my holiday in Holland, in the evening I will cook Asian food for us for dinner – spending more time with each other – BUT, it didn’t happen that way – it is like I am disappointing myself.

Almost 2 months ago, I took out and threw away Harry’s photo in my wallet. It was time that I let myself go, too long I’d kept myself, too long I’d kept him – but when I saw Harry again in real, I knew I had not completely let go myself. He is too nice, too warm to let go – I had to admit that I had expected more, assuming what would happen when we met again.

But now, something tangible, our friendship has been validated, has blossomed – I can’t keep that intangible fantasy, that holds-up myself to embrace this friendship – I don’t want to miss it – it is stupid and silly to miss it. I apologized to him that I thought sex was going to happen, even though he said it wasn’t going to happen – too much I wanted to have that that feeling again – the moment we hugged after the sex last time, it was so calm, so warm, so intimate – it’s just like art. I’ve never experienced that kind of feeling – so close, as if I could touch his heart.

“You cannot hold on on these feelings – it will stop you from opening your heart to other people.”
“You have to learn how to take care of yourself.”

He knows me well. He hugged me. So warm. so warm.
He knows that if sex had happened, it won’t do me good, it won’t do the friendship that we have built long time good.

I got home.
I took out other Harry’s photos, which I put them in the photo frame, next to my bed, calmly, torn them into pieces, and threw out of the window.

Aaaaaahh… it wasn’t easy to let go. The instinct told me that I had met a warm person, somebody that I have been looking for. The emails, the calls, the SMSes flew across thousands miles, it’s still warm when I read them, I heard them and saw them.
Anyhow the fantasy, the expectations, the desire lingered, and I sank into an intangible unreality - It was no good –

It was another lesson that I learnt about to appreciate the happiness, the beautiful things that is happening in the current. What would happen in the future, the future will take care of itself.

Harry, you’re such A friend. I thank you, I appreciate you from the bottom of my heart.
You appeared in front of me again just like that – without any motives, simply warmest regards, hugs, kisses for a friend whom stays thousand miles away. You once gave me the urge to love, and now you gave me a great friendship –

I will always love you for that.

Yoyotte

2006-07-29T23:06:00.000+08:00

4th of May I adopted her.
And I named her Yoyotte.
She is so cute!
Nice to have a dog, they make good companion.

Struggling with Platonic Sentiments

2006-07-29T22:42:00.000+08:00

Oh dear it's been nearly 2 months I didn't blog.
Time flies.

It is more than 2 months I know Brian, the Irish guy.
21/05/06 17:23:51 SNW/SBG Maxis Central 017 XXXXXXX
That was the first called I made to him.

I guess things are moving well for us that he asked me to give my opinion about the art scene in Malaysia. It should be an honour for me - a young art consultant to have a chance to say something like that. Yes, back to our common interest, or to say Art, my work - it is better that way, without thinking much "how about I and him". I was thinking about the moment we spent together... it was kind of funny, how it got carried away; as Brian said, "you might find it funny if you try to recall "the emotionals" sometime later."

15 July I met Paul - after nearly 2 months. The very first time he came to my house. Mutual sex, no penetration - my common practice. I just don't go all the way, we didn't even have a complete oral sex; perhaps he is guilty, perhaps this is the way he upholds his commitment for his relationship; Yes, he is having an affair but never goes too far - Perhaps you may say I'm silly, but I respect him for his reservation - that he is attached, he has to refrain his behaviour and emotions. I wanted to become his friend - instead of having this physical infatuation with him, however it seems he doesn't want that - he is afraid of by getting knowing each other well, he couldn't resist a true affair.
I like him - but not a life-time lover. I rather keep it as friendship.

I have been having conversations with Phillip - the Biology Professor in New Jersey that I've known for 6 months. I enjoy conversations with him; we share same cross-cultural interests, humane concerns; however it has never been real - I just find it is lack of something, I guess it is because we have never met. We come to an understanding that we must meet someday - for friendship or more, it doesn't matter - I keep it open.

I lost my phone on Sunday, 23rd of July.
Oh dear, Yes, all the numbers were gone. It's not too bad, I could still retrieve most of them from emails, previous backup - I sent an email to list of friends, requesting replies for contact numbers. Only a few sms-ed, most of them replied via emails.

Harry replied me 2 days ago. (he left a message on the previous post - I was surprised!!)
It cheered me up. Like used to be he sent me sms, wishing me good weekend, lots of kisses, good sleep...

Harry I still love you. If you are reading this, I have to tell you even though it's been more than a year since you left, I still love you. For the past few years, I didn't feel love - until I met you. You gave me the urge of loving someone again -even though you left so soon.

To be able to love is nice - and I do not ask for return. At least I know I could still love someone - that gives me courage to look forward for a relationship in future - even now.

Sex doesn't appeal to me as much as years back, it satisfies the instinct but not the heart -

I guess I would have to struggle more with the platonic sentiments then.

Dry

2006-06-27T12:53:00.000+08:00

22 June, Last Thursday, I was driving home - about 15min to 12midnight. Having been busy with the interior project - sometimes I just wish there's an arm for me, surrounds me when I am home.

An unexpected sms. Somebody I chatted long ago but I didn't keep his number. I called up but still I couldn't recall when roughly we actually chatted.

It didn't matter and we met up anyway at his house. He was kind that he made the red bean soup dessert and nicely heated it up and served it to me.

Sex seemed inevitable. no oral sex no kissing no anal sex for sure. hugging and curdling. and he came. I didn't. I was just too tired to come.

I've almost totally forgotten about this.
I spoke to my close lady friend - "I'm so dry". "C'mon, don't be desperate, I'm sure you did more than that - " I didn't - it was just purely some body warm - we had".

so dry.

Sometimes I feel it in the heart.

Crushing a fling

2006-06-04T14:18:00.000+08:00

As though my mourning was heard. I met somebody.

21 May. Yes, I thought It would just an one night thing but I got carried away.
An Irish guy, 37 year old, teaching art history in a University in Bangkok, working and holidaying in KL for a month - we had conversation for 4 hours before we started to do anything.
It was awkward - I normally can't go on with somebody like that. We talked so much, getting a bit too friendly - even though I would just leave without having sex, I would just be fine.
Oh yes, it's been a while, and the purpose of having logged into gay.com was meant to find a sexcapade. Perhaps he couldn't hold on or he found me appealing - physically - he prompted the question, "it's perfectly alright if you want to stay on a little - do you want to take a shower?"

It was made clear. That's it. I spent the night at his place.

For the next 10 days we saw each other frequently. And I met up with his 10 years Thai boyfriend whom came to KL for 3 days for a short visit. Yes, he is attached. They're living and attached in UK for 5 years and another 5 years since back to Bangkok. Both of them are very much art persons - both hold Phd. In Fine Arts.

Don't get me wrong I wasn't into threesome with them - no matter whether the boyfriend thought I could be just one of the art persons that his boyfriend met or consciously he sort of knew that I was probably his boyfriend's fling - I was trying to be accommodating enough, to have brought them around.
I didn't want to meet the boyfriend because I couldn't help not to think that I would be talking to his boyfriend and at the same my mind would be flashing of the intimate moments that I just spent with the his boyfriend. Anyway, I can't help my accommodating nature, I met them, both of them.

I have been single, and I always wish I could meet up a potential art person of possible for a relationship. Someone whom understands my passion towards arts.

I shouldn't have got myself carried away. Talking about arts, talking about my work, there're many possibilities I could work out art projects with this Irish in future. I don't know how we're to face each other again till the next time we meet. We promised to keep in touch. Mainly just for work - and friendship. Could it be guaranteed that we would keep it as it is, not to cross the borderline again? I don't know. We don't know each other, I see no reason, no rational, no logic I should fall for him, I got over him quite fast after he left on 31 May.

26 May - exactly 1 year I know Harry. It's been a year - time flies. He is seeing somebody, as usual, he kept me updated. 30 May, when B, the Irish guy, I showed him the pocket-size Harry's picture - and cut it into pieces, threw if off out of the window. He was shocked and tried to stop me from doing that. It's ok - Harry asked me long ago not to keep his photo in my wallet, it won't do me good, but I still kept it. Too long I have kept myself, too long I have kept him - it's time to really let go.

People that I seem to like and seem to have possibilities to love don't stay. It's been like that for the past 2 years.

I am just another passionate guy who needs somebody passionate - whom understands my passion, passion towards arts. Intelligent enough to have the same wavelength.

2 days ago I called Phil, the neurologist Professor in New Jersey.
It is sad to know that somebody who is thousand miles away understands me. Another rice queen may be suitable for a potato queen like me.

Life is such a drama.

Melancholy of Chicken Pox

2006-05-21T00:26:00.001+08:00

Gosh it's been exactly 1 month i didn't blog. 20 April was the previous post.
23 April was the first day of the outbreak of my chicken pox. Good god!! chicken pox at 28 year old and at the last week of new arrangement of my job!
Disastrous.
after nearly four weeks - the blisters totally gone and fully recovered now.
and till now there zilch exciting sexcapades. sorry *adamaww.

Chatted with cow-girl during the miserable chicken pox 'quarantine' period and found out - he broke up with the boyfriend.

Sometimes it seems we just wanted a simple guy - someone whom could hold a comfortable conversation, shares the same vision in life (overall), somehow when comes to the time frame - how long would it last, the question marks stand up, flashing...

Soberly restless

2006-04-20T21:57:00.000+08:00

Last week hasn't been good. I wasn't feeling well and I had light fever. The drug, Nerofen, a fever reliever and pain killer, which I tried it the first time, it worked pretty well as my chest pain for more than a week was gone.

New arrangments for my job. Basically the headquarter decided to cease the gallery business as gallery business didn't generate money fast enough - I guessed they already had the wrong step since the beginning. Art business is not something that you could expect fast money, and they have no any art business background. it's pity that my work for couple of months - anyhow, one of the directors will carry on with some supports - as for a few projects that I have been following-up - and a few artists are willing to have me still as their art agent after I told them the changes. Is it a new blessing or doom for my career? 2 more hospitality and home deco consultancy job opportunities came along - perhaps it is the time to really seriously build up my art profile.

Paul comes to see me couple of times a week. As usual we kiss, in the washroom. I do not know whether he has any problem with his relationship - i am holding back myself and so does he, we all see that it is not feasible to get involved too much.

I just wanted to remain friendship, a good friendship with him. Someone reminded me of a long lost passionate kisses.

Struggling with the Sober

2006-04-17T14:43:00.000+08:00

It was another Sunday passed. The weekend was rushy, the hometown neighbour auntie passed away after 10 months of fighting with cancer. We were close in a way - my mum was very close to her. We even had chinese new year eve's dinner together for the past 2 years! I wanted to see her off, waving goodbye, so I rushed back home - As she came to my dream and bid farewell the night after mum called in the Thurs morning, informed me auntie has passed away.

Having been playing games with the cafe Paul. I'm flirting with him - in a subtle way; sending pseudonym sms, acting as though I'm his supplier of serviette, food supplies, or even customers - sms that his boyfriend would not suspect, only he knows what it MEANS.

This morning, he appeared right after I sent him a sms. We kissed in the washroom. Paul, are you having an affair? I asked. Never never. we're just having little fun. he answered. I didn't remind him that how did he define 'affair'. He would come back in a couple of days time. he said as he was leaving the gallery.

It was just not real enough for me to hook on. Perhaps he was just after something new and fresh, as for me, Kisses that remind me of those of the days, especially Harry. Then we hook onto this unreal rendezvous. It's been a month.

i feel a bit exhausted. after another couple of months.

The Aquarian sentiment

2006-04-11T19:54:00.001+08:00

It's been again another busy week. Running around somehow but still within what I expected, not running without heads. I like things to be done this way, packed, intensed but in control. Something out of expectation, 2 nights in a row, last Sunday and Monday night, I met 2 bottoms - and I fucked the monday's.

It's been quite a while. Since the previous fuck. I didn't feel strange neither felt excited about it. It's just a fuck-and-bye encounter. I hope it could have been a really immerse fucking session - the person not right, no chemistry, it was just a fuck.

Last Monday morning Paul the fast food cafe came by to apologize for his didn't turn up the previous day afternoon. Yeah, i know, his bf and friends came by. We had a quicky kissing in the washroom. That was immersed.

Mmmmh, nothing lately turns me on. Right persons just didn't turn up. Fuck remains just a fuck.

Sparkle of the little temptation

2006-03-23T19:59:00.000+08:00

I have been so a regular of this little English cafe. Meg, my latest fag hag, runs a small florist next to the English Cafe; a lucky girl, 28 year old, managed to have her own little business. The owner of the small English cafe, Paul, I know he is gay, perhaps he is closet, perhaps due to some reasons, anyway, we're looking at each other, sometimes.

I was told he used to be doing stand-up comedy at some of the hotels in KL. Anyhow, he is apparently good with his words, I like I like. It is like taking it for granted, we got close and we flirt with words.

It was Monday, coincidently, he was around the gallery - or he deliberately, purposely did it? Anyway I invited him to and toured him the gallery. I was surprised for his little flirty implications of having sex on the couch at the first floor - yes, with paintings surround you, which i think it would be quite intriguing; and i've never done it before even though i have worked in gallery for years.

Tuesday, Paul came over in the afternoon, to my surprise - flirty words have turned into actions - we kissed in the pantry at the first floor, of the gallery. We're half-striped, but no oral no penetration. Paul came back after 2 hours later and we did the same thing again.

"looking at his dick, in front of eyes, as though he was anticipating i was going to blow him - in his eyes, as though he was telling - no no, don't make me feel guilty. I didn't blow him; he gave me few a licks on my cleanly shaved balls. He wanted it as i wanted it, but neither both of us went all the way."

it was nice. and i was being curious and asked him about his boyfriend. yes he has a chinese boyfriend, i know. You love him Paul. Yes I do. You're very nice and I don't know whether I can keep my hands-off from you. Oh. I take it as a compliment.

The next day we saw and talked to each other. No hard-feelings, we still flirty talked a little, made no harm, a little distance, I guess it's nice to keep it that way - and yet we didn't go all the way. it's good to be this way.

Basic Instinct?

2006-03-10T16:12:00.000+08:00

The Klang guy came back to KL for a visit, saying he would like to meet up. I picked him up after work. I think he made himself comfortable, watching TV, and watching PORN with Mark - I couldn't be bothered and was reading Angels and Demons in the room. Mark was acting a bit quirky. I called him in to my room.

I asked him bluntly that whether he was fancy of my friend and did he want to have sex with him? I didn't care but he was a bit stunned and hesitating what to answer. It's fine - very simple, the answer is only YES or NO. He said yes - only I'm comfortable with it. Oh well, before I could say whether would it be comfortable to me or not - is it something appropriate enough that you will choose to do - to have sex with a friend of your housemate that you just got to know? How appropriate it would be?

I think I did the right thing for having not had sex with Mark since he moved in. He is not a person that I would want to have sex with again. Yes, his sex drive is high, as expected, but I cannot stand a person whom could have sex without using much of his conscious, that disgusts me - i don't fuck care that what he does outside, but not treating this place which i'm staying now as a bloody fucking-whore public sex-spot; new guys and stranger coming in and out like nobody business.

too much of this basic instinct. i can't help not to be judgemental. A 33 year old guy and still ding-dong.

Collage of faces

2006-03-03T17:24:00.000+08:00

*****

Last night I did a crazy thing which I haven't done for... at least more than 1 year. All the way to Klang and had sex with a guy I just chatted from MIrc. No time wasted, straight forward, I told him I didn't mind to be friends with him, but having driven all the way to Klang, sex was definitely part of the main purpose.

*****

2.30am. I got home.
The repeat of the American Idols.
A bowl of instant noodles.
I didn't have much misery to mourn about.
It's part of life, faces of my life.

*****

Nikki, a new found crazy friend, guess she will be my next (already is) best pal, seemingly a long lost old friend, in previous life, made it to meet up again this time round. Someone who shares so much similarities and wavelength in life. But she only spends 3 months in KL every year, guess the distance will make the friendship more precious.

*****

Harry said I'm crazy. I did a collage, made of his faces.
Regardless of whether the Collage is made of de Harry or not, I like the faces.
Nevertheless, it would make the difference, 'cause I have known him, and he is still there, after 9 months.

only Love is REAL

2006-02-20T15:56:00.000+08:00

She just made her decision, to cut off a 3 year dragging, suffering relationship with this man. He couldn't make the decision to choose whether to be with her or with my best friend, ST. Simply a bloody fucking useless man. don't get me wrong, i am talking about a straight and 2 girls. No matter how good or how big his d*ck is, sudahlah, this is just not fucking making sense. I'm happy for her, well it's hard, at least about the so many cryings, feeling downs talking over the phone with me about this PISSED-OFF relationship has come to an end. She is really a good girl, she doesn't deserve that kind of sufferings, he just didn't love her enough, that is not real;
Only the Love is REAL.

As I was talking to Harry Saturday night, I said I might seriously plan a trip to Europe soon in May. Yes, I will see him in Netherlands. I was told not to hold too much expectations - NO, we have been keeping in touch the way like now for many months, it has been good; I appreciate all the efforts he did, remember my birthday, Valentine's, reporting to me his social life, guys he meets... I agree that things will be different when we meet, of course, simple enough 'cause we have learnt more about each other for the over past 9 months. I just had this feeling that could it be he was trying to tell me he's not telling the truth for perhaps partly what he had told me about him?

I had this holding back emotion, in the middle of the conversation with him.
The conversation ended as what it was used to be; the holding back emotion didn't interrupt the friendly flow of the conversation.
Yes, we are so far away. Perhaps he tells the truth all the time - but how can I guarantee they are real enough?

The realm lies on the real-time-practical real life. And Love should be able to be real enough to be experienced in all these aspects.

Coming back to myself, actually for a real relationship, I think for such a distance, Harry and I have done it well - to upkeep it. He is apparently afraid of whether he will hold more expectations than I do that might disappoint him? Not feasible enough I will fly over there just because of him. he can fly over if he wants. that will get us 'real' real.

We just don't love each other enough, that's the fact. so we're friends. friends.

Ony Love is REAL.

New Rules are good... new routines are good

2006-02-17T17:25:00.000+08:00

Looking at the previous post, it's been 1 month 1 week+ I haven't been updating the blog. The whole Chinese New Year was relaxingly spent, without realizing it, it was the longest Chinese New Year I spent in hometown ever since I came to KL. Mum is good. Always. I love her.

The sex wasn't good, though I had some. Mark has been staying in for more than 1 month now; it's good that I mark a very clear line from him; oh yes the New Year's eve night we had sex and I think that's it. Perhaps he wanted to later but - no. I felt sorry for myself that I called up the guy whom disgusted me - (people are crazy sometimes), came up to my room and had a 20min quicky. An ultimate sucker. He was sort of annoyed by my 'attitude'; I guess it's good that, for me, just don't call him up again. No more silly flirts, all the way to Chinese New Year, I encountered a new fling at this JB bathouse, a Singaporean, in whom, he seems still interested in me, that he calls and sms sometimes, every now and then.

Just got back to KL on sixth day of CNY, desparate or funny enough that Tina and I checked out a new sauna, the very first time together. The K bathhouse at cheras was spacious - and perhaps a treat for the first-timer, I met this well built guy with tattoos - the oriental-dragon like motive crawling over his back... down to his lower waist - to his groin - crotch, all the way till his pennis - ONLY the glenn was free of graphics - nevertheless, a not small ring, danglingly pierced into the tip of pennis. Omg.

anyway anyway anyway. it's a nice piece of artistic meat, from a viewpoint of art. inner personality? I guess not. he was fucking another guy (or i would say the guy was sitting-on a getting fucked position) in a brightly lit room - where the room was only segregated by a thin curtain from the the living area, which next to the entrance. Daring huh. yeah man. The kiss and hugs and blowing with him was ultimately instinct kind. anyhow anyhow the following fri, a week later i visited K bathouse again, perhaps with the excuse of using up the half price coupon, it wasn't good, as i expected. wonder why sometimes I do silly decision again. Humanbehavior, just like my long-time chat nickname.

Enough of raunchy fun.

Works have been good. At least I'm seeing somelights at the end of the tunnel. Back to art industry again. besides Arty talk - I need to sell sell sell. yeah man. Give me a SOLD OUT today!! It's ok, that's part of life. As long as I sell, that'll keep the bosses mouth shut and leave me alone. Anyhow they've been giving me freehand.

Birthday had been good. Mum always remembers and calls me sending her wishes. love her. Harry made a point to get online before rushing off to work, wished me via msn. I didn't even remember i told him. love him. even though he is thousand miles away. someone thousand miles away whom remembers my birthday. close friends' sms and calls. such a warmth - my dear friends, thank you and love you all.
this 28th birthday has come in a pleasant and tranquil-cheerful way, no birthday dinner - i went home as usual after work, but it was good, a really good birth-day.

Valentine's day - Angeline came and had an easy cookout dinner at home. My Valentines, my friends, thanks for the wishes. And Harry you said with despise in a funny way that this such an american thingy valentine's day, somehow you still wished me. i love you.

As it seems new rules and rountines are evolving. they are good, they are good.
From the Piscean Age to Aquarian Age -
from the Holy Grail to the descendant of the Holy blood
years of mystery of the classics are to be revealed
a new set of realms are to be free to the new abyss

Year to look ahead

2006-01-07T13:55:00.000+08:00

It's been busy throughout the week. Have a little leisure now to write the first blog of 2006. Even though I start work at 11am, but in the morning I still go back to the previous working place to train the new staff - good thing is 2 places just 5-10 min walking distance away.
Art exhibition is on the way, next week it's gonna be busy. On top on that, I didn't have the time to go through all the documentation in the gallery, because sooner or later i'll need to use them anyway. It's not my problem that the top management requested the business projection that hadn't been done by the previous person, but too bad that I took the job and I have to follow-up the case. That resulted the throughout 4 nights of stay-back till 12am, in the office and finnally it was sorted out.
Guess it's no big deal - it's a job, and this is what i am paid to do - to rebuild the business development strategies. Anyhow, i do enjoy the working enviorment, back to my first love, fine art management.
At home, it's gonna be a week that Mark has moved in. Sometimes I find him funny and innocent - in certain aspects; like he doesn't know how to turn on the gas stove, find difficulties to turn on an automatic washing machine. He used to do those by the very traditional way - I just wondered, he meets people, i'm sure to an extent of social circle, he goes to the gym, but sometimes he can be just so innocent.

It's been no time to flirt - perhaps i didn't want too either. Anyhow an artist came by gallery to consign some paintings - and he LOOKS GOOD. Well built, nice height, age 37 (he looks the early 30s), defined to an extent you know very much likely he is our kind. Enjoy the conversation with him- ha that's another delight of the week. The first delight was at my most stressed time of the week, yesterday evening, when i was stuck to revised the business plan again, unexpectedly, Harry MSNed me. He was on at-home session for 2 hours. Ideas flowed out just like that after that. The task was done. oh well oh. the Harry factor.

Angeline is coming for a simple cookout dinner tonight. A night to look forward to.

Friendship is always something worth to invest. Angeline has been a faithful friend, i wish so as Harry.

Farewell to 2005

2005-12-31T16:02:00.000+08:00

Today, the last day of 2005, I’m still in the office, figuring out what are things to be done for the current job. Officially today is my last day; soon I’ll be leaving for the new job, back to do marketing for an art gallery – in which my first love.
Seriously, really mixed feelings, I don’t know how to express it; it’s gonna be another new year, I should have lots of plans and thoughts in my mind, especially I’m leaving for a new job, but before I could put my plans in, I am given several tasks to be followed up. In a way, it is good; something has started for me, which I don’t have to brainstorm it from zilch. Just wish for the best then.

Tina moved out on Tuesday, which officially I started again my alone stay, having the whole apartment for myself. I was thinking occasionally my mum can come over to stay with me, or turning the room into a guest room, so that whoever friends can stay over, when they are dropping by. Anyway this Mark, whom I’ve know for sometime, was looking for a room, and which we had a fling before. Nice features, including the X part; anyway I don’t really know him that well, but I have printed out the tenancy agreement, I guess I would rent the room out to him then, nevertheless he agreed I reserved all the rights to terminate the tenancy anytime – well I have to save my ass in case anything happens.

It’s sort of not being used to – having the whole apartment for myself, and Tina has been a faithful friend - the chats, the laughter, the ‘men’s talk’, I would definitely miss that. Having been talking to Mikey often lately, since maxis launched the cheap 132 IDD rate – it is like, so fast, Mikey has been in LA for nearly 5months. Via the phone calls, it feels like so near, and yet so far. And I thought of how we got to know each other (Tina, Mikey), those of days in Uni, it is like we nearly know each other for 7 years – I can’t be not to feel Old – yeah, that’s the word. From a just out in town kampong boy, 7 years later, to what I am now, it was really a long long journey.

Friendship remains one of the most wonderful things I learnt about. I can live without relationship but not without friendship. I appreciate it, from the bottom of my heart and I love you all.

Wednesday night I called up Shin yee, a young lady friend with cheerful face but voluptuous body – you know what I meant, boobs that other 70% to 80% of ladies out there will die to have them. I don’t know whether was to find an accompany, anyway, she is a good companion. Friday night, Pea and Keong came, simple dinner I cooked, to celebrate Pea’s 26th birthday. It was good too, alas, my really old friends from same home town for more than 10 years had sort of an official gathering at my place.

I reconnected the Astro service, which was suspended under Phaik Choo’s account. I guess I will enjoy watching the programmes like travel & living, discovery channel or even like Oprah’s. Rather than feeling restless and being out and about hunting for men, which will be healthy to me.

Mark is coming over to have dinner tonight, and seemingly he is moving in since the tenancy agreement is ready. Seriously I am sure still should I rent it out to him, I guess I will depend how I feel about it when I see him, anyway not till to the minute the agreement is signed, I reserve the rights still. Anyway anyway, it seems he is staying over night, the sex could just happen – somehow I’m not so looking forward, it happens it happens; I was like kind of restless for 2 nights, not really horny, but I just wanted to get it out – now it seems I’m having the chance but the interest seems lost. *Sigh*Human human, such a creature of emotions.

What should I be getting for tonight’s dinner? Oh well same old same old the pasta. Don’t know what will Mark be getting? And the stupid Astro’d better be reconnected! So many phone calls I made, some more the queuing time before you could speak to the service agent is like you could have enough time to make a cup of coffee, finish it and some more have it washed. Ridiculous!

Anyway anyway. Cheer it up!! A New Year is coming!!
Wish you all the best for year 2006, all my dear friends.

Love

jojo

Christmas Escapade

2005-12-29T19:09:00.000+08:00

It’s almost in a total rush, right after the work, on Friday, got home, 20min speedy packing, right away hopped into Angeline’s car, whom she had already been waiting by the pick-up lane next to the lift.
Overnighted at Angeline’s place ‘cause we’re leaving for Penang the next morning. There started my Christmas Penang escapade. I always like Penang and Melaka (which I spent the previous Christmas in Melaka). I find these 2 places are nice, for having been through all stages in Peninsular; and also my 2 best friends, Mikey and Tina are from there.
Food is nice, ate so much!
And Penang men, nice!
The night itself I arrived to Penang, Patrick (really old time f*-mate) brought me to Café, well not really a café, but actually a disco. Patrick is attached, not surprised, but found him can be quite attachy - when the bf is around. No despise, but just thought we wouldn’t be that kind. Anyway, I do wish him all the best.
A young cute boy flirted with me and before he left we gave me his number. I couldn’t say I wasn’t surprised, I hardly had the luck! Anyway he didn’t call the next time as he promised.
Doesn’t matter. But what was adventurous was I called up Gigi for the sauna location, and well, since I’m not local, I didn’t have ideas where the hell was there. Anyway, in the evening I had a dinner to attend, and from where I stayed to the dinner venue was actually within walking distance. I got out of the house early, taking my sweet time, and thought of hanging around at the shopping centre on the way to dinner place. Guess what the shopping centre was where the sauna was located. OMG!! So excited couldn’t wait to get in there.
…oklah…(I’m not indicating the sauna is lousy, but I hoped it couldn’t better)
2 guys, looked like couple, 1 young 1 older – to my taste, I found them delicious, well I wouldn’t mind. Ok, few trips of in and out of the steam room, then they came in. Oh yes! In my heart I said. A little dark corner, 3 of us, oh well, you know what’s happening next (but no fucking, my policy always, in the sauna). Guess what, I spotted the young cute boy there then. Slut I said. Oh well perhaps so am I. Anyway, out of courtesy I sent him a sms later at night, saying I actually saw him there but too rush to call him, and hope he had good time there. He called later, which to my surprise, that he wouldn’t mind to keep in touch. Oh well, will see then. Ok, mission complete, 7.10pm, wow, I still have 20min to dinner time. 10min walk. I reached.
What an unexpected rendez-vous. Simply exciting.

Christmas dinner at Angeline’s friend, Yvonne’s place was warm and nice. Home-made Popiah (vege roll) and pasta and wine – you know, it’s simple, but so nice and warm especially for a Christmas dinner.

I thought I could get coach ticket back to KL the next morning, but morning till afternoon were all sold out. 7pm. Oklah. No choice, I had to be back to work the following day anyway. Leisure Monday with Mikey’s dad, accompanying him to the park for a walk, to nursery to get pots – reminded me of my mum, I should have spent more time with her. She is actually nice to be with, besides the nags.

In the bus, 7.15pm. Talking to Harry over the phone. Seeing the sunset of Penang, crossing the still beautiful Penang bridge – life is actually beautiful. Imperfection and unhappiness and joy and laughter cross each other path all the time, but this is what life is. Just like painting, is the various colours, textures of strokes that makes it beautiful.

The Complication of sexuality

2005-12-16T12:06:00.000+08:00

This is about an encounter with a bisexual man.
It was not the first time I met up with a bisexual man. In fact, couple of years back, I used to meet up with this guy, very much with fatherly figure, for sex. We didn’t meet up often, the most 4 or 5 times, then in a way we became friendly and like an acquaintance to each other. I saved his contact named ‘Chinese Dim sum’. Reason being was after our first rendezvous we had dim sum for supper. He was a married man, with 6 kids, if I remember correctly. I ever asked him why made him want to try out sex with guys? Partly because guys just suck better, he answered without hesitate - and perhaps guys know better another guys’ sexual urge? Anyway our acquaintanceship didn’t last long as I lost his contact and he didn’t keep in touch with me since then. Is he considered bisexual? I don’t know, but based on his involvement in sex with a guy I would say yes.

Back to this recently met bisexual man. Apparently he is having a relationship with a girl but the girl isn’t around, she is in oversea, working. Why? As I was told, partly because of money – as he claimed he doesn’t earn enough. Well, he is a corporate guy, with an ok job; we’re ok in terms of we treat each other as friend, perhaps a little bit more than just an acquaintance, but not to an extent I would ask him about his financial situation. In the meanwhile, he had relationship with guys – and in fact that was the time he had the most remarkable relationship – but also the most hurtful time in his life. Since he experienced that he could involve in a greater relationship with a guy, what would he still choose to carry on a relationship with a lady? Besides the ‘complication’ in the gay men relationship, social acceptance, family acceptance were the reasons, he said.

Settling down, having children, a rather peaceful kind of lifestyle. The ideas promptly contradict me; will that too, be settling down with/done with your another sexuality? Will it stop you from remembering those of the days you ever had with a guy you loved so much? Will that stop you from meeting up guys for whatever purpose in future –
Seeing your children growing up, playing around you by the porch, by courtyard and suddenly image of a guy flashing in your mind, he seems smiling at you – the feelings the emotions that have been numbed seems coming back alive again, you are at that crossroad again – ‘dad, can you pick that ball up for me?’ your 5 year old son’s loud voice awakens you from the ponder. The clay mug in your hands falls off to the ground, breaks into pieces. What would you do?

He admitted having sex with guys gives him more pleasure – that reminded me about what a blogger friend once said before: gay sex is additive. Men are so easily intrigued by sex whereby if 2 persons are into each other, with right place, right timing, a sizzling hot sex could be easily triggered off. So much desire so much urge so much impact, it burns in between. Plus a little more emotional into-ness, I guess I would agitatedly look forward for the next rendezvous. I don’t know but it seems to me most of the bisexual men enjoy the sex better with another men but not the relationship. Perhaps there are too many temptations out there, no enough facilities for healthy gay relationships, or the society just can’t let the gay tidings be lived out as a norm (or even gay people just can’t live out relationships as a norm – making a conservative assumption: at least 65% of gay people wish to be in relationship, but perhaps only 10% manage to make it work. Part of the people seem mingling in a circle, looking for endless sexual encounters for fulfillment, but always falling into an expected frustration – the concept of spiritual/physical-sexual satisfaction, appeared in my previous recent post ) so the couples who are able to make the relationship work spiritually, physically, passionately at the end of the day are always the minorities. And perhaps their faith in relationship was even much stronger than most of the heterosexual couples - a reflection of hardship from long way journey.

He said that it is selfish of being a bisexual person. Perhaps he knows it can be unfair to the girl; perhaps he is at a junction where he is open up to a variety of choices that either one/anyone can please him – his own needs, his own desires. I don’t know how – that you’re not sexually satisfied then you outsource for supply; you go back to your wife as you are still spiritually, emotionally loving her for those sacrifices she made for the children, the family... - even though she can’t satisfy you sexually. Is that a problem? Would that be a problem? Is that possible to live a 2 different personalities parallely?

I remember once in an episode of Sex and the City, Samantha said soon everyone was going to be Pan-sex. Meaning everyone is bisexual. Perhaps the terms about sexuality are not important anymore, because everyone is open up to both sexes. I don’t know how to embrace this idea because instinctly I could feel myself being attracted to another male, not female – relationship wise and physical wise. Perhaps in a way I’m conservative that - I believe in Mono-sexuality; as I believe most bisexual men are rather gayish – as for bisexual women are rather straightish.

He said to me sometimes he wished he could be not in the middle – either being total straight or total gay. This phrase sounded very familiar to me that a friend actually said something like this before: I would rather being a total woman, or being a total man – meaning being a total heterosexual person. I used to have this idea that I don’t like bisexual people, I find them greedy – but I don’t know now. This time round I listened to a bisexual – friend, listening to his dilemmas and struggles; Was he born that way? Does he still have chances to live out an unregretful life? Can he try to be at only one sexuality at a time, whereby he has total involvement in relationship physically and mentally? Why can’t woman give him satisfaction in sex as well as man? I’m sure they are passionate women out there who love and enjoy sex so much as well as men these days, the modern time we are living in now. And perhaps he (and could be many other bisexual men out there too) is too tired to spend the effort in pursuing this ideal relationship concept. So much thoughts - life is in such a way I wish it can be simpler sometimes.

Living out the current is not easy, scratching up a fresh new future is equally questionable; standing in front of the dilemmas - taking the faith might be a rather optimistic risk along the quest of oneself.

Sampling the Memories

2005-12-09T11:22:00.000+08:00

Before Sunset reminded me of how much I enjoyed European movies during those of the days. The whole movie was just about, (well not just about) Ethan Hawk and Julie Delpy, walking and talking all the time. It’s amazing to see them keep talking all the time, so natural as though it was a real reunion of 2 persons that had a rendez-vous nine years back and then they met, so unpredictably, so coincidently (or it was meant to happen). It is sort of the sequel of Before Sunrise ( I have never watched Before Sunrise, perhaps I should go and find it ), but I guess it is ok without it, I enjoyed the movie anyway. I watched the making, the actors and the director and even the producer ( or could be other crews) were together, putting ideas, in a way or another, coming out with the transcript – which was the core ( the dialogues) of the movie. So much about relationship they talked about in the movie, it is not about whether they were right or wrong; they were like laying out the fact sheets in front of you, especially those encounters that seemed so familiar to yours – your life and about romantic love.

“…each person has... you know, specific qualities. You can never replace anyone. What is lost is lost. Each relationship, when it ends, really damages me. I haven't fully recovered. That's why I'm very careful with getting involved, because... It hurts too much! Even getting laid! I actually don't do that... I will miss of the person the most mundane things. Like I'm obsessed with little things… Little things. I think it's the same with people. I see in them little details, so specific to each other, that move me, and that I miss, and... will always miss. You can never replace anyone, because everyone is made of such beautiful specific details.”

I don’t know, but it sounded like what I am just like that sometimes.

I met this guy online Monday night. We chatted and he promised to meet me up the day later, which was Tuesday. I didn’t expect anything, and I didn’t even have a photo of his. Going for a blind date, at my own house. How was is going to turn out to be? I seriously didn’t have any hopes.
Tuesday’s evening. He came as he promised. Descent guy, someone who’s physically compatible – I was relieved and guess you know what I meant.
We chatted a while and it was almost the same timing that we started to touch each other. I didn’t expect once we started kissing, it went off and I just couldn’t help myself not to carry on. (as this post is not about sex guess I skip the details) We had conversation, he talked about himself, his previous relationships… and he is single now. And he has this thought that he doesn’t want to get involved in the relationship again, it simply hurts so much. Having a relationship with a guy was so difficult; he was once so much involved in the relationship but at the end of the day, it didn’t seem worth to him. Of course we talked the so-called ‘norms’ in gay relationship, shared point of view, he is someone I can have a comfortable conversation with… and he said he might want to get married someday with a girl, having family, kids, normal life, peaceful life, something like that. I don’t know, I know myself well in a way I wish I can have such a life, but never with a girl. And perhaps 3 years back if somebody told me something like that I would probably be telling him off that he’d better not let me know when he was going to get married or whose the girl he was going to get married with – ‘cause I would probably blast him on the wedding day that how could a gay guy marry a girl, you would hurt her someday, if she’d find out one day, sooner or later, matter of time. But I am not sure now, well in a way I told him perhaps he should let her (if there is) know that he had been with guys before; he didn’t have to tell the details but just about his sexual orientation. I don’t know whether I am right, I just feel that if a girl marries a guy, she has the right to know whether the guy has other sexual orientation – and if she is willing to take the risk, by all means. Anyway, I guess these things do happen, and if it happens, I would not be able to help it too. Perhaps he said it out from his heart, he just wanted a simple life – with acceptance, socially, publicly.

He is somehow a passionate guy. In fact, I had wonderful kissing with him – he reminded me of Harry. I thought I would not have had this kind of feeling again (I really wish that it can happen again). The memory with Harry is still vividly in my mind. It’s something special, as it was said in the movie, nobody can never replace anyone.

It didn’t occur to me whether there’ll be possibility for relationship, with this guy – as what he mentioned, and also what I could feel from him. At least for the time being. It would definitely be a memory, a wonderful memory which I would sample in my mind, but try not to deal with it, so much.

“Memory is a wonderful thing, if you don't have to... deal with the past.”

Harry called me a week plus ago, wishing me (and to he himself as well) Happy 6 Monniversary; it was the day we know each other exactly for 6 months. He was sweet. I made him an e-card later that was with a message: love will come. (to him someday), as he wishes always. Love will come to you too, he replied in the email. He has been, on and off seeing somebody, not really attached, as what he told me, but now back to single again.
I don’t know whether there’ll be someday that “love will come to me”; sometimes I think it seems that I enjoy the process, (or I would say in the process of pursuing love, I actually suffer more) and I am not sure whether I could handle it well if “Love” really comes to me one day.

Back to the movie. Ethan Hawk and Julie Delpy promised each other to meet again after six months in Vienna, after their rendez-vous. But Julie’s grandma passed away, and she couldn’t make it. Ethan Hawk went, waited, disappointed and left. Perhaps as what they said, they were young and stupid; they didn’t even exchange, or leave a number they could keep each other in touch in case anything happened. Years passed, there they met again in Paris, and realized they both have been one of the most significant memories in their entire life. They both lived totally different lives then; Ethan was married with kids, Julie was single, independent, still confused by relationship sometimes; anyway these were not important. They met, again. I don’t know whether the ending could be considered predictable, anyway Ethan missed the flight back to States.

I cannot deny that I have so much feeling still sometimes ( I know I always treat him more than just a friend, a normal friend), with - Harry, and perhaps we are not stupid in a way (or perhaps we’re stupid), we exchanged number, we called sometimes, we email each other often still – anyway the friendship is certain for us. I don’t know whether this can be considered a way of dealing with the past, but I guess I’m glad it’s not too bitter to deal with - as sometimes I would still get a ‘kiss and hugs’ message from someone – thousand miles away.

"Let me sing you, a waltz.
Out of nowhere, out of my thoughts.
Let me sing you, a waltz.
About this one night stand.

You were for me that night, everything I always dreamt of in life.
But now you're gone.
You are far gone.
All the way to your island of rain.

It was for you just a one night thing.
But you were much more to me, just so you know.

I don't care what they say
I know what you meant for me that day.

I just wanted another try.
I just wanted another night.

Even if it doesn't seem quite right.
You meant for me much more than anyone I've met before.

One single night with you, little... Harry...
is worth a thousand with any-body.
I have no bitterness, my sweet.

I'll never forget this one night thing.
Even tomorrow in other arms.
My heart will stay yours until I die.

Let me sing you a waltz.
Out of nowhere, out of my blues.
Let me sing you a waltz.
About this lovely one night stand."

Weighing the Instinct

2005-12-08T18:42:00.000+08:00

I have these ideas about sex sometime last week. And I started to think about it. I think in a sex you get spiritually and physically satisfied at the same time, but the level of satisfaction varies from time to time. And the satisfaction of the sex, most of the time, or I would say sometimes determines or affects your next sex, could be in terms of when will be the next sex or the motive or expectation of the next sex. Put it into an assumption, guess someone is sexual-spiritually satisfied, very much satisfied, even more than the sexual-physical satisfaction, his next sex could happen quite sometime after; as this kind of ‘great quality’ sex doesn’t occur often; or he is missing the feelings, he doesn’t want a simply-one-night-stand thing to overtake the feelings. Because most likely he will feel bad, or could be emptiness, is not something that is worth to be remembered, purely physical, it can come anytime. I guess it is not to say sexual-physical satisfaction is not important; you have involved in the sex, the physical contact is absolute, but when you put 2 satisfactions on a scale, when you are so much satisfied spiritually, emotionally, you may find the ultimate physical satisfaction comes as a secondary issue; but it is paradoxical that as it acts as a medium whereby the intimacy, the caring, the loving were conveyed via the physical contact – even words that were out from the mouth. What your heart feels and takes is the sincerity that is also out from his heart. Leave the faking possibilities aside, because it simply defeats the purpose of this statement.

When I think to this stage, sexual-physical satisfaction is like a pure physical need that I call it pure sex, like crave of being touched, sucking a cock or something; but if it happens with someone you like, you are fond of, and by the way he kisses, something physical that triggers you, emotionally very much, and it may be satisfactory sexually as well as – spiritually. Can I call as a ‘great making-love’ experience? I don’t know. But when I learn about myself emotionally and physically, I wish that I would have less of that kind of craving of just wanted to get laid or something.

People say human is animal of emotions. I think I do agree that. Sometimes the animal instinct overruns the emotions I guess this is when I could not help not to think about a beastly, hot, physical-pure sex – and it seems I would sort of regret right after it, Sober, it tells me that simply because emotionally you are not fed.

I guess when you are single and still sort of active in sex, I meant myself, and I will face this dilemma sometimes. Weighing the instinct in me, weighing what I want of this part in my life, is always something difficult to decide.

SHOW THAT YOU CARE

2005-12-01T11:50:00.000+08:00

To remember and to respect those who have departed;
To show encouragement to those whom are living with it;
To create more public awareness –

To show that you CARE.

Wear the Red Ribbon.

World AIDS day - a day to remember.

WORLD AIDS DAY

2005-11-25T15:28:00.000+08:00

Dear friends,
as reminder,
1st December 2005 is going to be the 18th World Aids Day.
Wise up. Wear it. Where's yours? is the theme for this year.
Wear the red ribbon on the day itself, it marks a statement: YOU CARE, and bring out the awareness to other people as well; as a sign of support for people living with HIV and a symbol of hope for the future.
Click here to get the HTML tag which you can copy and paste onto your website to have the virtual red ribbon.

Beauties in the air

2005-11-24T16:33:00.000+08:00

Friendship is like the string of kite-playing, you can let the string go so far and long, but don’t let it break – keep in touch always.
#quoted from a sms.

It’s been exactly a week since the last time I met the Klang guy. I guess it’s over- our fling and it will eventually turn into a friendship, which I hope so. He sent me a sms 2 days ago as quoted above, which I found somehow meaningful. Perhaps it was a forwarded message from somebody, but at least it was not a crap stuff. Sometimes I wonder so many strings we put off in the air, especially those we don’t see often, which one would break first?

I watched Wong-Kar-Wai’s 2046 last night. Despite the artistic scene plays, metaphors, figures, colours that most of the people would think it is pretentious or difficult to understand, the movie portrays a clear message: People are always pursuing in the search of their most remarkable memories, which most probably the most beautiful things they ever encountered. It could be a rendezvous, a sentiment, an unordinary obsession etc, and of course most of all, love.

Why the past memories? Perhaps it completes you somehow the way you are now. Sometimes you wonder what makes the you today- perhaps before you could realise it you have outgrown from that past, and now you’re trying to go back to understand it.

Back to the friendship, or to that klang guy, he would be one of the people whom would stay in my memories. He is not someone remarkable to me but in the process of pursing the search, he came along and left me something.

There are always beauties – everywhere, but sometimes we have to really open our eyes to feel them.

Metamorphosis

2005-11-24T16:23:00.000+08:00

I used to be only watching European movies, because I found American movies are too commercialized and story-less.
I used to criticise things that I thought they were not classy enough to be presented.
I used to like to sulk (or bitch) about people with so-called wrong attitudes, about their dress sense, tastes or behaviour.
I used to think there was always only one ultimate standard, which was the truth, and the rest of the opinions were to be despised.
… and the list went on

I was thinking about the subject of preferences and choices again lately. We get agreements and disagreements all the time from the choices or decision we make. I believe in a concept now whereby disagreements and agreements are allowed at the same time, as long as it doesn’t conflict or impose other parties’ benefit or behaviour.

At different age, different stage of life, I guess people change. Maybe some people don’t, but I do. I’m noticing the change which the mind reminds me a lot that nothing is more important than the ultimate aim of what you want to achieve by the day you die in your life.

Being top, being bottom, being versatile, being dominant, being submissive, being intelligent, being sensual… all this characteristics, flow in and out within you, in different forms; no matter how, they remain as part of you, in the quest of establishing oneself – and making yourself comfortable in it as well as others, is another adaptation to be learnt.

Trivia

2005-11-15T12:20:00.000+08:00

His name is Andrea Piedimonte. I have an habit to watch old movies. Especially those good, provocative ones. Anyway, this actor captured my eyes in Hannibal, but he was nothing important, just an authority agent. Classic, charming Italian look, nice eyes. Another guy in the same movie, Kent Linville, the FBI mail boy, pretty good look, nice physique, but too bad can't find his pic out of any website, after several attempts. If you happen to know more about them please let me know. Thanks.

Something different has got to give

2005-11-14T12:20:00.000+08:00

You will not expect what The Exorcism of Emily Rose is to be like as in the other horror movies until you have watched it.
The movie is not entertaining – I’m saying in a general way, no explosion, super duper visual effect, big casts etc. Those who have watched the movie would claim it is more like a courtroom drama than a horror movie. Indeed, the focuses on the courtroom scenes are more than the horrifying scenes in the movie.
The movie is trying to convey a message: Beliefs and what lies beneath the facts. The 2 main characters in the movie, Father Moore and Erin Bruner, the lawyer, with 2 totally different beliefs, one was a servant of God; one claimed herself agnostic.

Whether believing in God/Demon or not, everyone holds on to one’s believe. At the end of the movie, Emily didn’t survive from the exorcism and she died. We would think the exorcism failed and the demon had won the battle. But maybe not, the movie tried to convey that it could be as God’s will – that the death of Emily can be in a way to be His testimony. As in fact, the real Emily Rose, Anneliese Michel, her grave has become a place of pilgrimages of those who believed she actually fought the demon bravely.

The possibilities of the other side. Most of the time it just doesn’t intrigue our mind.
An above average good movie, it leaves you something after you watched it. If you expect something different, it’s worth the while to watch this movie.

If you believe in light, it is because of the obscurity.
If you believe in God, it is because of the devil.

For more read up about the real Emily Rose click here.

Queerbuzz

2005-11-11T12:09:00.000+08:00

Yesterday I had a conversation with a friend. He brought up the recent incident that the 'renown' bathhouse M was closed down. Apparently there was a white guy, complained to the bathhouse management that his wallet had been stolen. I wasn't told how the management actually reacted to his complaint, anyhow, the white guy reported the case to the authority. The police came by and spotted the making-ups of the people in the bathhouse, and straight away raided the place. I wonder why the raid could bring to the closed-down of the bathhouse, because it's not the first time that the bathhouse had visits from our police-bangbang. I was told that most likely it was because of the case was reported by a white and since it was taken into the 'account' then the authority had to implement the official procedures.

Perhaps it will take sometime for the management to RETALIATE.
A brand new, bigger, better, fabulous bathhouse - with A New name.
Perhaps oh perhaps.

*Any add-ons/corrections for the above info are very much welcomed.

ShowBuzz-Love is a force of nature

2005-11-10T12:20:00.000+08:00

Above is the movie poster of Ang Lee’s new movie, BrokeBack Mountain.
The film won the Golden Lion Award in Venice Film Festival, September this year.
It is said that, the claimed-to-be a cow-boy themed homosexual movie, it’s going to be another Ang Lee’s masterpiece.
The second picture features the 2 main characters in the film; Jake Gyllenhaal on the right, and Heath Ledger on the left.
FYI, Jake Gyllenhaal was the young man, Sam, son of the climatologist in the film The Day after tomorrow (2004) whereas Heath Ledger starred as Gabriel Martin in the film The Patriot (2000), as Mel Gibson’s son.

The first Ang Lee’s movie I watched was Pushing Hands - aka Tui Shou (1992). Later I watched Eat Drink Man Woman – aka Yin Shi Nan Nu (1994). Both are sensible and aesthetic, the Ang Lee’s way; so much emotion are concentrated at one point, but they aren’t said. You will feel the impact are gathered in you while you're watching them. I watched Wedding Banquet - aka Hsi Yen (1993) much later, very well done too – gay is not the main issue, is about love, values and acceptance. And of course the well renowned Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2000) has even made Ang Lee’s as one of greatest contemporary film directors today.

I truly look forward for the new film. Hopefully it will be screened in KL. Or out of no choice the pirated option will be the only alternative.

Materials adapted from Internet Movie Database.

A Comforting Curdle

2005-11-08T16:22:00.000+08:00

Teddy bear came by last night. Teddy bear was the Guru that appeared in the previous post. I thought he wouldn’t come by, after visiting his stall. Teddy bear is quite venturous in business. Beside his accounting work, he bought food stalls spaces and hired somebody to run it.
It’s nice to have hugged him again. Like a big baby hugging a big teddy bear, and I found rest in it- purely comforting hug, no sex.

He is somebody I will love but not being together. He will be there for me – And he knows that I will have space for him in my heart.
A different kind of guru; for what he has said to me, somehow most of it turned out to be true.

He is like a transiting bay to me. Park it there for a little curdle, sometimes, when I’m tired, before moving on to the destination.

Vulnerably Sober

2005-11-05T13:18:00.000+08:00

Sunday I met a well-endowned guy at Sauna B. He was just back to KL, starting a new job and new in town. And we ended up with the SECOND ROUND in the hotel room (and don’t get me wrong that he rented the room day before for he’s actually taking a break in KL). We have this stereotyped thinking that Chinese men can’t be that Big, but NOT SO, quite a couples whom I met, which were Big. Arggh, they are definitely massive enough to feed my crave. Yeah right, such a maniac, I know I am.

Couple of days passed, we still keep in touch. I guess we will remain friends and most likely the sex will happen again. He is quite a nice guy, at the stage of breaking up with his boyfriend; nevertheless, idea of having him as a boyfriend didn’t cross my mind.
Fact: he told me that he is leaving in 3 months time to Thailand for a new job; the current job in Klang is an interchange.
Fact: we tried, sexually we are compatible no doubt, but deep down my heart for what so far I have known about him, ultimately I choose to have my frequencies tuned according his, but they never really crossed.

J talked to me that why shouldn’t I get attached? Oh it never is that I do not want to get attached. It is clear to me that sometimes I desperately hope that I can be with someone, and so the good ones do not come easy. I’m sober yet I’m vulnerable. My heart tells me only whom should I fall for but at the same time I tell my heart what I really wanted – but what I really wanted may not do me good now - Patience is virtue, I think it always is.

I remember the saying, ‘Sometimes we think we are making a decision, but actually not, the decision has been made; for what we are doing now, is to understand the choice that we have made.’ It always gives me a clear mind again when I am dealing with my vulnerability. Whether it is to be sober or to be vulnerable, I do have a choice. It is the crossover stage which is unbearable. In between, I am vulnerably sober. It’s scary to be in complete vulnerable; I would not want to be in there again; to be complete sober, I guess there are miles to go; and I guess I will be quite happy enough if I am able to sustain the current condition.

Diversities

2005-11-05T13:11:00.000+08:00

I was talking to a yet 2 months-to-go 17 year old boy regarding a sex topic. A virgin still, as he told me so. I guessed I acted so badly that I actually asked him twice to make sure what I heard was right. What makes it so difficult to believe that he is still virgin? For god sake he is not even 17 year old. Why should I doubt it? He is saving up his virginity for someone he will be really in love with. Oh I had that idea before… like ages back. That even sounded like a fairy-tale to me now. Guessed I have slutted enough. Oh come on please get real. On second thought, after couple of days, I talked to him, J, telling him what I really felt about it. Obviously he is at a different generation, he speaks ok, he gets ok exposure, he is not too naïve, it’s just he hasn’t experienced the sex. He will, sooner or later. I told him I have started that way, experienced the gay life in a way, sex sometimes happens just like clicking your finger, a matter you want it or not. If you have thought of it you don’t want the sex simply happens like that, so don’t do it.

One time I read an article about there’s a rise of number, showing people in city in America actually allocate more time for family than previously. A change of values. Being gay doesn’t mean you live out a gay life style. Stereotypes of a gay life style, subculture of gay living, these sort of things, anyhow, it’s nothing very much we can talk about besides club scenes and crusing spots. Perhaps you will ask what else do I ask for? I think it is limited here – between a gay activist and complete closet gay, there is actually not much spaces we can live out as a gay person in this society, in an Asian city like KL. Gay community is a miniature of the whole big society itself, all sort of people with different profession, different preferences… but much compact, and the chances of getting impact from each other are much higher. Very much likely the community is not big enough, whereby the different voices will very much likely be treated as aliens – or he is just trying to be pretentious.

A horoscope analysis I did sometime ago, it says Aquarian strongly believes in fairness which is very to me. I read Mimi’s latest post, some people choose to be cynical; I allow disagreements but it doesn’t mean I agree with his view. If he can’t accept why I can allow disagreement but not accepting it, I guess the best is to avoid a controversy conversation with someone.

I will hope to see diversities. No matter how, there will be always actions of search of love, search of sex, at some part of this town.

Fellatio-ly Inspired

2005-10-21T15:08:00.000+08:00

Oral sex can be called as Fellatio too.
I think it was roughly 2 years ago I started to have this craving of dick.
I find oral sex is an enjoyable process to me, much greater than anal sex. Sometimes not just I enjoy the process of blowing, but looking and observing at it. And sometimes in split seconds, I don’t find it arouses me sexually suddenly, but I puzzle what makes me attract to it so much. Looking at the glen, the mushroom head, the veins, the fore skin, all the way down to the balls – holding the whole thing in my palms. I feel strange – and I blow it again, and straight away I see the reaction on the face. So much senses, so much pleasure, amazing chemistry. And there’re so much differences; Good looking guy with ugly cock; just ok looking guy with handsome giant cock; not bad looking guy with not bad looking big cock, but too bad very fragile nature, got to handle with extra care otherwise you hurt it. The last case, which I encountered personally before, it looked a tough cock but couldn’t even stand a slightly heavier hand-job; the guy will cry out to stop it.
So many men, so many gays around, and each every one of them carry a dick. How do they look like? But finding a not bad looking guy with not bad looking dick doesn’t seem easy too. Sometimes it’s just like, no matter how, appearance takes up a certain percentage of how much you will a like person. Perhaps the specific characteristics of one’s dick will be added to one’s bio profile as necessary then.

Not so Simple Plan

2005-10-19T15:11:00.000+08:00

Sometime ago AJ wrote something about having children around. The last weekend I went back to hometown in Johor for a friend's wedding. Eldest sister in Singapore came back as well. Mainly because it's been quite sometime we've not seen each other. My bro-in-law is manly and caring as usual; in his mid 30s, for a straight man, whom is still quite a nice and desirable man. I could still see small little gestures between my sis and bro-in-law sometimes- gestures of love, after a marriage of 11years.

Instinctively, I always find I am closer to my eldest sis' children. Perhaps we were all born in the same month, or the frequency just flows well in among us. The younger boy, Maxi, 3 and a half year old, is a lovely boy. He is trained at home and school in such an independent way; for instance he rejected my offer to bring him down from the baby chair, he slowly managed himself to get down from there. He shares things with people; at this age, sharing food is one of his way of showing affection. The Saturday night, we had quite a fun time together; getting late, time to go to bed, Maxi asked me to sleep with him, pulling my hand - as my sis said before, he has these gestures to make people melt for him.

Sunday afternoon, after the wedding luncheon, I was waiting for my friend to come and pick me up, coming back to KL. I spent the last moment with Maxi, hugging him, on my belly, watching TV together. I guessed he was tired, after the whole morning of running-playing, he fell asleep in less than 20min time.
- It simply felt nice having a child falling asleep in your arms. It is the humanly nature.
I carried him to the room, watching him, lying him comfortably on the bed.
At that moment, I really wished I had a child like Maxi.
And I read about Mikey's latest post -
Yes, this is the life I want, holding hands with my loved one on the street, kiss him whenever, wherever I want to tell him I love him - probably having children if our life conditions allow it.
But because of I'm homosexual and all these become complicated.
I don't care how people will look at us but by doing these here I will get persecuted legally. I can't fight with the law; that stops everything.

I used to think I would be a gay-movement activist.
Perhaps one day I really will.

Mid-night Tête-à-tête with the Whore Self

2005-10-12T16:31:00.000+08:00

*The following post consists explicit content. Please do not proceed if you do not wish to read them.*

2:15am. 12 Oct. 05

I could still feel the friction in my ass.
But it isn’t painful.
Anyone who would have witnessed the incident of the past three hour would definitely claim: lusty sex of a total bitch and 2 mother fuckers.
This afternoon K messaged me via msn, whether I’m free for a rendez-vous for the coming Friday. The very first time K prompted me with this kind gang-bang invite. I was surprised. The ‘organizer’, V was on the other line of msn, there I was invited for a joined conversation. The whole afternoon was tied up with work. I didn't have much time to flirt around. Anyway V gave me his number.
I called up V after knocking off. Dinner at SS2. Joining V and his pal, R.
V was straight forward and there went us, meeting up E, V’s friend.
We ended up in a motel in PJ. Two Indian and one Chinese. Both Indian are at their 40s.
I don’t know whether I have subconsciously, emotionally prepared what’s going to happen, or were it the rimmings, lickings, caressings set off the whore self in me.
2 of them fucked me. The last fuck I had was nearly a year ago. With K.
E wasn’t very much ready. His big cock wasn’t really much playing up the scene. Perhaps his full portion dinner had affected his performance, as what he claimed. V fucked me twice and came twice.

I heard my own moans. I wondered what kind of chemistry in me turned me into such a aggressive whore. My cum was all over his back.
E was good with his hands. Surprisingly, he was a certified physiotherapist. He almost gave me a full scale massage. Whereas V kept his mouth busy on my body.
Will I be the next super-mega whore in town?
Or the time of opening up the bottom-self in me has come?
These 2 questions flashed into my mind while I was home, sitting on the toilet bowl, having my ciggie.

I don’t know. It doesn’t bother me whether should I find an answer for it.
But I know the faraway H, another slut, as he claimed himself he is, could be fucking around with somebody, is always in my mind.

An Aquarian and a Piscean.
I happened to log into an astrology web the day before. It gave quite a good summary for what I have been looking forward from/ into H. He is somebody I want.
The idealistic Aquarian no longer misses the constant-changing Piscean. But he seeks what beyond the physical indulgences could give, an elevation of spiritual compassion. Whether H or not H, at the end of the day, is the characteristics that H carries which drew me to him.

So I guess missing someone or someone's qualities doesn’t contradict with the whory behaviours. What makes me a whore? It’s a reflection of rage in me about dissatisfaction in life? A revenge of frustration about the imperfection in me? A adventurous mind about how far can sex give? Simply something about my sex-addiction?
Aquarian tends to theorize, always.

Come back to reality.
Facing the conscious, listening to my own voices, telling what I really want.
Whether whore or not whore, it’s just an another sexcapade. It doesn’t come to me as a question.

Is like a long and on-going self struggles going to begin again. And I have to sustain till I hit the next breakthrough.

Diary week ended 2 Oct 2005

2005-10-04T16:06:00.000+08:00

it's been more than a week. so many things i want to write but yet don't know where to start. it's like getting an habit i am jotting down my sex encounters in the blog.
Right after the wednesday sex, it was busy till throughout the weekend. company publicity event. 8.30pm. another sunday night over the months i slept so early.
Monday was as well busy, busy unpacking all the stuff from the publicity event. but had a very nice-chat evening with god-mum. There I decided to take the offer, for the new job. and crazy enough, drove to a hotel in bukit bintang, had a quickie with a friend from singapore. I was too awake to go to bed and logged into net and surfed for some infos. 4am.
The following days since passed quickier than a glimpse, it was sunday again. friday night liquid. saturday night BB. Yesterday. first time i tried out this Sen**** sauna. ok. dont think will be back for second trip. watched the Underworld at night. a war between vampires and werewolves.
oh my oh. another sunday it's over.

IMPRESSIONS

2005-09-23T16:03:00.000+08:00

Summer
the water in the pond
evaporated into the air
fishes cry out of pain
under the torrid sun
screaming for the water
is too salty

***

The fruit was still green
last night
the ferocious wind
has taken the fruit off the branch
lying on the ground
missing the ripened days
the whole life time

***

The construction workers
pinched the bees’ parking bay
smashed hive
her fellow people
and her honey kingdom
there lamented the Queen
resenting her karma
in the city

adapted from a Chinese novel

GURU SAYS

2005-09-23T15:43:00.000+08:00

B came Weds night. The bald guy. Right after his work.
We watched the stupid Scary Movie again, and since he said he is a shy person so I made the first move again, right after the movie. I didn't know what did he have in his mind, anyway he chose to come up to the apartment and he would have expected sex to happen.
When it was still in the middle of the movie, around 12.30am, I got a sms. I hardly got sms at this hour. Who'd it be? The only person could be it's H. It was H.
A simple sms said he couldn't be online replying my mail I sent the day before. a warm regards.
A little voice in my heart whispered: slut. Oh come on, H is not here, I would love to do it only with him if he is here. And the fact is I need sex somehow, I'm not hunting high and low for sex anyway. Excuses that made me feel better.
As what Guru T said. He said I would meet somebody, which by the time he asked me I hadn't. Then I met B. He said there would be possibilities for further relationship with him. I don't know how I am going to deal with my feelings. Would it be fair? Nothing is fair. You know your feelings towards H but H is not here; you would still chat once in a while, move around.. by any chances meeting up people would still happen.
I don't treat B like a fuckbuddy. I don't do fuckbuddying anyway.
You will be with H, one day, not near future. anyhow. Guru T said. Things will find its way. Don't think too much.
H somehow knows that. But keeping the faith is a long way.Again nothing comes easily. Perhaps like what Guru T said, if that's my Karma,
it will be inevitable.

WHAT HEART MATTERS

2005-09-21T01:03:00.000+08:00

The Little Prince has been one of my all time favourites.

"...the essential things in life are invisible to eyes, Little Prince repeated it once, tried to memorise it. it is the time that you spent for your rose which makes her so important.it is the time i spent for my rose... little prince repeated it, tried to memorise it. Mankind has forgotten such a truth, said the fox. But you should not forget. You are responsible for the ones that you have tamed. You are responsible for your rose...I am responsible for my rose, Little Prince repeated it, memorising it..."

The philosophy lies beneath the children's story make me ponder, make me cry sometimes.

The path that lies behind us. Things and people that I have spent effort and time with. The end result shows how important it is to you.Why my life seems doesn't matter to me, why my life seems doesn't live up to the fullest and why the relationship doesn't seem coming to me...Because I don't really make them to be important to me.
I want them to be important to me. The little herb plant by the balcony is growing. I have spent time to talk to them and water them. They will be important to me.
so do other things that I will start to or I have started taking charge.

The Monday Sex

2005-09-13T17:18:00.000+08:00

ok I met this guy at mirc. the night before. he has no picture but stays nearby. I was sleepy enough then i called it off without waiting for his reply. we got each other's number anyway.
no expectations, I took it as if like having a walk after the dinner, meeting up him somewhere nearby my house.
Nice Clean Shaved Bald Head. Anyone would notice the same thing.
The X-factor that turned me on.

Descent conversation at Projet.
Then we walked to his car, for puffing.
I didn't think I should waste any time further. "I've got to go" I said. He was staring at me for few seconds...er? "You want to come by? " i couldn't care whether would he think that I am a slut... I wasn't desparate but looking at him and chatting with him, i knew I would want to do with him.
Anyway he followed me back home.

got to find something to get it started. porn magazine. he said he is shy guy.
ok then. no problem. I know what to do.
he is not an anal person. so am I.
I enjoyed his nice clean bald head.
and nice cock that had filled m...y mouth.
and he's freeball, and so was I!

A ciggi after sex. so used to be.
a short conversation before he left.
the way i like it.
more or less we are at the same wavelength.
he is not too bad after all.

minus the 2 sauna encounters, 2 quickies...
it was the first pleasant sex experience since H left.

looking forward for the next episode.

Googling the Earth

2005-09-13T16:50:00.000+08:00

I was trying out google earth the other day. For those who doesn't know what's google earth, it is a 3D online globe which provides all sort of geographical infos (go Google Earth) from countries border lines to street lines to even details like location of supermarket, trains, cinema etc...
it's amazing that you could even zoom in so close that you can see the pictures of buldings, neighbourhood...

And I zoomed into Van Nuys. I saw Hazeltine...Mamis Supermarket...
Echo echo!! Mikey you there?!
and then I keyed in Utrecht, in seconds I flew to Netherlands -

the first time, I felt so close to H, after he left.

Letting go the days..

2005-09-12T17:24:00.000+08:00

From Tina's unwanted old junkie vcd collection, I picked up Sandra Bullock's 28days and watched it last night. Surprised to see Viggo Mortensen - Aragorn co starring the film. and he is now 47yo, born 1958. divorced with a son; ex- wife a punk rock singer. another surprise.

yum...yum Viggo

Story about how Sandra Bullock spent her 28days in a rehab centre. A typical party girl in the city. Mess. Drugs, alcohol and sex. She crashed in a residence with the car she simply hopped in by the street, after she ruined her sister wedding cake during the ceremony, hoping she could find a replacement for the cake. She was charged for having been drunk and driven.I haven't never touched drugs in my life, but the nightlife, ciggies, alcohol and sex had somehow damaged my life, not promptly but the consequences of it. What is a life to live? people choose to indulge, which i did. The movie was presented in a mild way, with sense of humour; you see people tried to cope with their obsession. Chant. Group therapy. Get motivated together. Silly things which you think you won't do it, but you do it at the end of the day. And you'll see the new comers react to these as how you reacted on the first day. And a gay character in the movie, a pretty cute guy- it wasn't mentioned that how he got into the rehab at the first place but he was obviously very much obsessed by sex.

at the end of the movie, she completed the course and left the boyfriend. It wasn't because the boyfriend wasn't good enough, but she chose to live a real life - having been clear of where she came from and where she was supposed to be heading to.I know what makes a happy life for me, but still i'm not moving on enough - to get it. Perhaps I'm still in the process of rehabilitation; learn to loosen up my grip, learn to let go.

Sex costing

2005-09-12T17:21:00.000+08:00

having been busy for the weekend. i wanted to write something but ended up lazing around in the house. I was tired and I needed the rest. And I have unordinary sex drive, which i jerked off more than what i normally did. Not missing anyone particular but when i simlpy thought of 'a' cock, it turned me on. Just be out of the house and get it. But after second thought, considering the time, effort and money that would be possibly spent, it didn't seem worth. So i turned to those INCHES, HONCHO magazine+a straight porn movie. It's not going to resolve the urge, I know somehow I need to get a real man soon- plus at a good cost.

Horny is in the air

2005-09-09T11:32:00.000+08:00

oh i need to do a confession. i think it's bad. 12.30am yesterday i called up the cum-eater guy. and he came over we had sex. this was after 3weeks and 4days since my previous. he was excited but i just wanted something purely sex. the porn magazine that mikey left triggered my urge and i just wanted to let it be out. it wasn't a plesant feeling if i recall it back - no, nothing, nothing much talking, simply cum-off and wrapped up.

animal instinct.
i said i wouldn't call him again. but i did. where the hell to find somebody like that when you're horny in the middle of the night wishing somebody blows you off and he's just a phone call away and be right there just 15min later.

contradiction.
I just wish I won't call him again.

INSIDE THE WOMB

2005-09-02T16:56:00.000+08:00

Merdeka day. National day of Malaysia.
Angeline messaged yesterday that whether I had plans for merdeka's day eve. no. she's home alone as the bro and sis-in-law were off for holidays. simply a good friend and not the fag-hag kind. so i stayed over. nothing very much, chit-chating and watching tv.
That was the first time I spent such long hours watching travel and living channel, sometimes i think the more you watch the more you would wonder as though you've never lived a life. too much there i switched the channel.
mmhhh... something interesting. it's showing the formation of a baby inside the womb. from the sperm touched the wall turning into embryo... it wasn't real, but a simulation. There's a part, where the doctors tried to resolve a case that a baby was having its kidney grown into the space where it supposed to be for the lungs. The doctors used a "fetuscope" (an aide like a long needle), poking it into the mother's tummy and straight down to the baby's lung and placed a tiny balloon in it. So the balloon pressed the kidney out of the baby's lung space, so the lung could be developped properly. (Amazing. Imagine what the technology today can do... I would like to get my this** done, **that done...)
Then it showed the delivery of the baby. The mummy was lying down with her back facing up but with legs standing on the floor. (exactly like doggie-position) I didn't know whether the volume had been lowered but it seemed the mummy were dealing ok and just popped like that there I saw the head of the baby; and the doctor skillfully dug out the shoulder, the whole thing smoothfully glided out from the mummy's. It's a baby boy!! I saw the tiny dicky!

Life is a miracle. Living up this life is another miracle.
it reminded me of one of the aj's posts.
Wishing upon the star I can be a mummy one day too.
as though.

Then I thought of my mum.

Early-night Dildo-ing?!

2005-09-02T11:58:00.000+08:00

ok. i need to do a confession. no matter what you're gonna say.

the very first time in my life i tried a dildo.
as I am not very much an anal sex person, only when it comes to an extent of intimacy i would want that to happen. but i tried it (the dildo) and it went in. omg. that's the first impression i had once i had it in. it wasn't too bad...mmhh it's kind of like sort of funky feeling.

why i did it? i was imagining H's and having it inside me. am i crazy?
I told him that i wanted to having him inside me, but i didn't, by the end of it. H was kind of turned on when he heard that. Nevertheless, he is thousand miles away. It was last week I told him about that; and this week I was fantasizing him with the dildo... don't think I will tell him... and i don't think i will do it again. perhaps something else like cucumber... (which i tried before) ...

you don't think i am pervert, right?

SIX AFFAIRS TO REMEMBER

2005-09-01T17:50:00.000+08:00

busy day today. received some dirty jokes from my godmom.
check it, some quite funny.

The First Affair:
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell sleep, awakening around 8:00 PM.As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home."Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house."Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
****

The Second Affair:
There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try to have a son. A month of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later.The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen... He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child."Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" He gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"
****

The Third Affair:
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's scaling. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife."I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase."Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
****

The Fourth Affair:
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue.""What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep.Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
****

The Fifth Affair:
A man walks into a night club one night.. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent.""One Cent?", exclaimed the man. So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?""Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money.""How much money?" inquires the man."4 cents," the bartender replied."Four Cents?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business."
****

The Sixth Affair:
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly."Becky, my darling," he whispered."Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."He was insistent.. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess.""There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky."No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!""I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, " relax, let the poison work."

下體的迷思

2005-08-29T17:33:00.000+08:00

dear pals, please bear with the following blog; thought of something, and would like to have it written in mandarin.

近來頻頻聽到有關性慾強的生活例子。
有時候我在想﹕到底是怎麼樣的一種誘惑﹐催使人對下體有這麼難以言喻的迷思﹖

從三五寸的小雞雞到八九十寸的龐然巨棍﹐加上兩顆小蛋蛋--- 叫我們百看不厭﹐百嘗不嘔﹐ 百用不願釋手---起勁之余﹐任由它放肆搓磨後庭花﹐翻雲覆雨﹐死去活來之後﹐念念不忘期待再戰江湖一回。

也許這真是一種吊詭性的神秘(paradoxical mystery)﹐無法言喻﹐只有你親自體驗之後才能訴說其中之感覺。

Clingy…was the past?

2005-08-26T17:56:00.000+08:00

Sometime ago Mikey invented the term of super-mega-slut - to term me. don’t get me wrong that the whole conversation regarding the slut thing with mikey was simply hilarious and funny. But I had a few thoughts…whether was I really super-mega slutting around?

Friends say that it doesn’t matter as long as you feel like doing it. I would say I have slowed down a lot compare to couple of years back. Sometimes when I happened to go to sauna places again, I realised that the chances of bumping into familiar faces were getting less - or could it be the less frequent visit that I was no longer familiar with the ‘happening faces’.

Last night I had dinner with close pal and his bf and friends of his bf. Not to my surprise that an old time acquaintance of mine was also kind of a friend of my close pal’s bf. The longer you’re kinda out or knowing the scene, it’s smaller the world you find it would be. No details were necessary to be told. I meant about the friend.
Nevertheless I was told that he’s attached now and I actually saw them hangingout together before at somewhere I couldn't remember.

Seriously I really don’t know how to react to my past if happen to be in a relationship again. Since I’ve been single most of the time…would I find them… clingy? Something that is not just you can simply rub it off. Would it be someday you find out your bf old time long-standing fuckbuddy happened to be your close mate used-to-be secret fuck-mate? Or vice versa. a blunt fact thrown straight right to your face.

Rubbing off the past isn’t easy. Building up a fresh new future is equally difficult.

Guess best things come in a hard way then.

No preservatives RAW MEAT

2005-08-26T17:32:00.000+08:00

The few doors away neighbour of my work studio is knocking down the wall - doing up renovation again. Just couldn’t help it, I had a quick glance at the local construction workers; one of them was quite a hunky guy - and not bad looking too. He was holding a packet of take-away rice, having his lunch, without his top. Hot weather, he and his fellows were sitting under a big mango tree, taking a little moment of leisure. Sweat splintered through his skin, going down from forehead..neck..and to his chest… The little flabbiness didn’t really spoil his appearance, instead, it contributed to his dishyness.
Simply a piece of no-preservatives-raw meat. The bulks of muscle were hard earned pieces from his livelihood. Perhaps he didn’t really care - but that matters to the viewers. Just like the duku-langsat seller at the junction few hundred meters away. Another nice piece of raw meat.

The ultimate Bang-bang kind.

ps: mikey - *wink*wink*

a tale of the 7th month…

2005-08-26T17:15:00.000+08:00

There’s a small little altar located at the empty land near to my work place whereby it serves the Chinese goddess, “The Senior Datuk” (Na Tok Gong in Cantonese). Everyday I bypass it when I am walking from my work studio to the showroom at the plaza. Couple of days ago, I noticed an opened-up packet of Nasi Lemak was placed at the altar. In my heart I said to myself, what a thoughtful person, that must be one of the Na Tok Gong’s favourite. The second day, as usual, I walked past the altar, to my surprise, it seemed that the lemak was partly consumed. Errr…he…interesting. Nevertheless, I didn’t mingle long. And, the 2 days later, the lemak was still there, and – it was even lesser. But this time, the nasi lemak was a bit far out from where it was originally placed…I guess it must be some dogs or cats’ doing…but the best part was, the nasi lemak wasn’t scattered around; it was still in good shape but just smaller portion compared to the previous days. No eerie feelings…but probably, ‘the highness’ had already had enough. Well, the next day, the nasi lemak was gone-- but replaced with a fresh packet of rice with chicken curry. I wondered who could be doing it, at hartamas, another rich end of the modernized suburb.

Bizarre.

Sex..And the city

2005-08-24T17:01:00.000+08:00

I didn't drive to work for the past couple of days.
chatting to the taxi driver this morning. I was still zombie-ing when I got into the car. a friendly uncle, should be around at his late 40s. He started talking, and something interesting captured my attention.

He was telling me a hometown mate of his friend, a 68 year-old guy, was put into jail, after having found that he got a 17 year-old girl pregnant. He knew the girl, and she stayed nearby his house. Apparently, what I was told, the mother of the girl 'requsted' for a compensation of 20k, but still she ended up having the case reported. So there went the poor dirty-old man had to spend, probably the rest of his days, in the prison.

The driver kinda got triggered and carried on with other sex-stories he encountered.

an Indonesian lady, no money, after the ride, offering the taxi driver a sex treat in exchange. The driver didn't take the offer, instead, he gave her 15 bucks as for her dinner.

couple of other encounters with hookers. but neither had he had any sex trades with them. according to him. anyway. I wondered.

and I asked him whether had he encountered any gigolos? oh no. never. that's surprising to me. probably he didn't know. but - "I met a couple of gay customers before. and they kind of touched me and said you have such a nice strong thigh that I'm sure you have a great tool down there too..." oh wow. that's daring to a taxi driver.

seriously speaking, that was a real sex-harassment. Never thought of sexual harassment cases that happened to taxi drivers.

but I admit that I did have a fantasy over a taxi driver sometime ago which I can't remember. a warm, family man look taxi driver. of course i didn't sit next to him.

time to get out. having arrived my work place. chat next time. if there is.
yes, I wouldn't mind that. but nothing more than that. even though he looked pretty ok at his age.

The restless in the air

2005-08-23T18:31:00.000+08:00

it's raining out there.
H just sent me a sms. as usual, ended with kisses. something we did so much.
do I still expect anything out of it?
I don't know whether he is coping as just fine as he sounded.

Life moves on. no matter you like it or. and I have to move on. and I am not moving on enough.

perhaps I should just be happily looking at his pics at night, sometimes, like what previously I did. I just didn't think about it, and I enjoyed the time.

Late-night monologing

2005-08-23T18:26:00.000+08:00

Had a crazy talk with a 30 year-old psycho fellow last night. Gosh that’s real bad. I slept at 4 in the morning. A total stranger met at gcom, saying that I would be the one that he’s looking for. By seeing my pic. Things turned out complete emotional, requesting me having phone sex with him. And foolish enough I did it. Just talked to jeejee, and wished he was there and gave me a slap.

It’s 3.30am when I was done with him. Then called Michael. Simply miss him.

Dilemma of Passion

2005-08-22T17:54:00.000+08:00

It seems that the emailingship with H is slowing down. I don’t know whether that’s the sign that the passion is starting – to fade.

I kept a secret blog that I posted what I felt about H. It was deleted.

Just don’t see there’s any point of keeping it. Though I never delete any of our email correspondences. When he was telling me he’s kind of seeing someone, I felt relieved rather than sad.

I should be sad. But I wasn’t

I started to wonder why.

Pooh-ing. I realised the lovebites on my thigh that somebody left me last week had finally faded away. It some sort gave me the urge of having sex.
It wasn’t strong enough to get me out of the house, and it ended up I jerked myself off.

Sunday night. 9.30pm. for months that’s the first time I slept so early.

Hammered Husband

2005-08-21T17:49:00.000+08:00

A news headline captured my attention: HAMMERED HUSBAND.
It seems there’s a tendency that cases of abused husbands are increasing, the papers said. And these husbands chose to remain in silence rather than to report the cases, with hope, to keep the family in peace. (or in one piece)

I was amazed. Where on earth these violent WIVES are trying to do?
Imagine a lady with a hammer. Hammering her husband.
Having gone to this extent, what’s the point of still being together?

I wondered. The wife could just stab the asleep husband to death one day.

Or vice versa.

cleaning up rubbles...renovation done!

2005-08-17T21:38:00.000+08:00

yes! finally done up my new house!
...css programming, interesting. anyway not a easy job to do though.
what's next?
hope for better ones.
and better men.

Writing A New Phase

2005-08-15T12:26:00.000+08:00

gosh...I ended my celebation that lasted for 6 weeks and 4 days. 14 Augusut 2005. Frankly speaking, it wasn't really satisfying. Perhaps I cannot expect that much from something, which is purely physical. And I miss H.

Once in the whole life time

2005-08-13T15:11:00.000+08:00

I went to the usual place for lunch. I wondered which radio station they put it on air. Some nice 80s sentimental chinese songs. It was Sylvia Chang's (the lady who starred as the mother of 3 gayboys in Chicken Rice Rhapsody) "Most Loved". yes she sang before. not too bad though. She is surely, not a fabulous singer, but her mood that lies in between the lyrics, simply moves you - gently, slowly - gradually to passionately reminds you of those of the memories you ever shared - with someone that was once so close to you.

a breezy early sautrday afternoon. it was ever so tranquil. with the song 'most loved' in the air.
it does remind me lots - those of the memories.

Drawer of memories

2005-08-12T16:07:00.000+08:00

"Like A Friend" by Pulp
Don't bother saying you're sorry
Why don't you come in Smoke all my cigarettes again
Every time I get no further How long has it been?
Come on in now, wipe your feet on my dreams
You take up my time
Like some cheap magazine
When I could have been learning something
Oh well, you know what I mean, oh
I've done this before And I will do it again
Come on and kill me baby While you smile like a friend
Oh and I'll come running Just to do it again

You are the last drink I never should have drunk
You are the body hidden in the trunk
You are the habit I can't seem to kick
You are my secrets on the front page every week
You are the car I never should have bought
You are the dream I never should have caught
You are the cut that makes me hide my face
You are the party that makes me feel my age
Like a car crash I can see but I just can't avoid
Like a plane I've been told I never should board
Like a film that's so bad but I've got to stay till the end Let me tell you now

it's lucky for you that we're friends

Many years ago I watched the "Great Expectation" by Qwyneth Paltrow & Ethan Hawk. From the soundtrack I learnt about the song 'Like a friend' by Pulp.
I'm not a rock type person- probably also because of the movie, the scene, I still remember when the song switched to the strong rhythm mode while Ethan Hawk started crazily doing potrait for Gwyneth Paltrow, that part, still vividly lives in my mind. I love the song - for having almost perfectly complimented the scene.

So impact- so much passion, in one go -
I miss that kind of passion.

it doesn't matter whether would it happen again, at least i have ever once had it.

celebation...?

2005-08-11T16:05:00.000+08:00

ok. at 4th of June I met somebody. and 12th June I met 2, at the same place. and 29th June I met one, that was a real quicky. July was empty. What was i doing? celebation? never mind at least i still remember my last sex. see how long would this last.

CPL recipe

2005-08-07T22:30:00.000+08:00

busy like hell lately. finalizing some conditions with my bosses. I will stay on with the current job but at the same time i am allowed to do my own freelance job by using company's facilities - of course with conditions: company's works come first priority.

blog is another thing. no time for that. done with some new visual but still holding on it.
how ah how ah. so many things to do so little time to have.

get something done fast then.

by the way for those who are always in a rush and would like to have a home cooked meal after work try this recipe:

for serving of 2 persons:-
one small cup of rice (200ml)
100g of chicken breast (cut into slices)
half a can of button mushroom (cut into half)
quarter of a packet of Mixed vege around 150g (peas, corn, carrot)
half A4 size of seaweed-flavoured (cut into long slices)
2 clove garlic
1 egg (optional)

instructions:
1. put the rice into rice cooker, and with water enough to cover the rice.
2. pat-hard or chop the garlic (preferably not too fine), remove the skin, throw into the rice cooker
3. dump the chicken and mushroom into the rice cooker
4. pour in a table spoon of olive oil and let the rice cook
5. when you find the rice cooker has switched to keep warm mode, dump the mixed vege into the rice cooker and stir to mix up the rice and vege thoroughly.
6. a pinch of salt and sugar, 1 table spoon of white rice vinegar. little bit of white pepper. add in an egg if you wish to.
7. press cook button again, and let it cook for another 5-10 minute.

top with seaweed when it is ready to serve.
DONE!

Miss you Michael

2005-07-31T23:17:00.000+08:00

Michael left today. SQ0111. gate C2. 2.20pm.
I decided to go with him to the airport instead of with Jeejee and Martin and cow-girl last night. One last private time with him before he flew off. Just like old times, we're at the high way, talking nonsense, laughing at each other.
Running some last minute errands at the airport. Talking to his parent. I didn't feel the impact yet till his mother hugged him in tears. That was the first hit.
Thanks Michael. Thank you so much for reminding me that. Must go France. or Holland. I will. dear.
Seeing him off down to the boarding gate. Best of luck. I prayed.

Following Jeejee and cow-girl back home. Cow-girl dropped me back to the apartment. thanks.
I could still feel Michael, as though his voice and his laughters still mingling in the air.
I made a sandwich, and started off cleaning the house. laundrying. sweeping. mopping. clearing up.

I burst in tears. this time it really hit me hard. why should I cry. i said to myself. Tears didn't seem listening to me. It's time to cheer for him.

Sometimes i just couldn't help myself from not being sentimental...his cups, couch we used to sit together..his room, his bedsheet...
I said to Martin that it will take me a day or two.

Life, eventually moves on. I would expect some new routine. writing to him. writing more blogs (hope so) posting him funny stuff. yahoo-messengering once in a while. new daily routine to be adapted.

...Deep breath. breath in the cool air in the cybercafe. writing to him. and writing to H.

tomorrow, is another brand new day.

JOJO’s PR presents you “A Wonderful Outing with Princess Mimi”

2005-07-25T17:25:00.000+08:00

It was a bright and sunny afternoon that Princess Mimi walked out from his (sorry it's her) boudoir, ready for an outing. Princess Mimi dressed in V-neck Howmany-Exchange Striking red tight-tight shirt, together-gether with hostes Tina D-BO-dai, in her too-busy-Fucking-About black shirt. As they moved along the way, Hostes Jeejee D-MayFair (aka Lady de Cocoana-butter) hopped in, and not forgetting with co-hostes Jojo de KPC too, happily dashing off for lunching.

After chicken-ricing and Yong-teau-hooving, Princess Mimi and co-hosteses voomed to de Twin-corny Tower for leisuring. Long-awaited Fantastic 4 was on sreening, there they bought the seats, and then without any moment delayed, Princess led the hosteses, walking down to the retail isle.

It was pretty a monotonous situation that how-dare there weren't even some rather dishy man population on a crowdy sunday afternoon. Disappointment, there went the Princess Mimi and co-hosteses to Zaaraa. After tumbling over Zaaraa in and out, left and right, Princess Mimi finally walked off with a fabulous grey jacket - co-hostes COW-LADY de AnnZhuaah Puff-appeared in the air, there cheered the hosteses even greater.

Hostes Jeejee D-Mayfair was looking out for a new pair of sunglass. Jeejee D-Mayfair will be soon taking the Super-dooper L-ray eye treatment to release her beautiful Elendillic Eyes (Glowy Eyes of de all eyes) from the cummy-Fog of the short-sighted. The Princess and the hosteses soon crowded an optiKcal magasin...after GuGucciaoannaSuisui & ChanneldiGigeligeli-romey & EscumdaDiorhowrmany, they excitedly found the BurburricK Sunglass perfectly complimented Jeejee D-Mayfair angelic features but sadly the thick-neck sales consultrice refused to offer Jeejee D-Mayfair a reduced price. Not frustrated but steadily the Crowd phewed off from the shop.

It's almost time for movie, Princess Mimi and co-hosteses cheerfully paraded to the escalator for the Cinema Theatre. Suddenly Princess Mimi blasted to the crowd saying "Am I sissy, am I sissy?" Your highness, the hosteses responded, "you are just too Pretty to be sissy, you are absolutely Princessy".

The show was a disaster...but the Men, weren't very much dooms.

It's like feeling drowsy after the movie...Princess Mimi and co-hosteses rushed to Payatheen for dinner. Warm and humid. no further delay after all the munching done, Princess Mimi and co-hosteses left the place.

...the last weekend Princess Mimi in KuoaLaaa Leumpour City. And soon she will be inaugurated with new title upon her arrival at the new city - Princess Mimi de BevFernandez Yuvamaririah.
Ride!! Princess!!!

---The End---

The Princess Finale

2005-07-25T17:23:00.000+08:00

Michael’s party went off pretty well- sweet, sexy, and sassy.
It’s been quite sometime since the previous party I attended.
I’m party-able no more like used to be during those bangsar old days. But I did have great time and so nice meeting up with old uni mates again.

I can never handle after party-hangover very well. Not the alcohol but the quiet moment left to you alone after the party.

It was like about a year ago catching up closer with Mikey again since the uni days.
My old bangsar days had occupied me very much and the contact was loose with Mikey that time.

I’m really, so glad, to have caught up with Mikey again. We never said it out, but we know clear yeah we have been quite some ways in our life, in different directions.
It’s like we’re reading an old time story book when we’re looking at laughing away those old days’ photographs.

And Martin too. So glad they are back together again.

What Jeejee said was very true. Life eventually moves on.

I said to myself looking at a bigger picture – that it’s true that we can have dinner often no longer, but we could “hello, hello, anybody there?! Echo!” as and when.

It was a celebration, rather than a farewell.

Mikey – remember bitching to us, in whatever ways you can access us.

Human Behaviors

2005-07-15T15:56:00.000+08:00

It was about five years ago I heard about this song. A song by Björk. Since then I use it as my chat name in gcom. Of course I came across many people that wondered whether I am a fan of Björk, apparently I’m not. I listened to it simply it was nice and was a peer-influence kind of thing that Mikey was worshiping her music that time (as well as Tori’s) and we were housemate that our doors seemed hardly closed for each other.

Enough for background. I kind of regret that I didn’t jot down my thoughts when I was working in Bangsar – another rich end that I met ‘a variety’ of people with funny behaviours. Sometimes I think we can’t be not judgmental, how people talk, move, smile, look, eat, drink, cry, choke--- we judge them all the time. It may be funny to us, but may not be for them.

Ok, let me narrow down the scope I want to say. Human behaviours. Something human but weirdy. Talking to yourself. Looking into mirror and smile to yourself. Keep washing your hands. Biting your lips. Eating apple in the middle of the night when you can’t sleep. Walk nakedly in the house. Looking out the window during rainy night and crying.

It sounds scary but it is part of life. You may not know one day you may do one of those.

Emotional Fufilment

2005-07-14T18:29:00.000+08:00

I hardly have anal sex. When I talk about it to my friends and they always ask me why shouldn't I do it. The reasons being are just I don't know how to enjoy it when my emotion is not ready. I'm just not ready for it when comes to just a flirting-one-night-stand. And to my friend's surprise that I can have active "sexual activities" but without having F**cking.

It's been all the while like that. I don't find it difficult neither be cranky of having without it. Very few people I met whom I felt, yes I'm ready and give in to it.

It's all in your mind. This is what people always say.

I think emotionally I am always occupied. Either is the previous relationship or the currents. Once those memories were archived, like the "ex-boyfriends'," they don't really come to obsess me but unconciously they make me compare the current encounters with them. If is it not better, why should I have it then?

About the current. I have somebody in mind. Somebody with potential. But not tangible enough to jump in for a relationship and yet not intangible enough for me to keep it aside (somebody said the similar).

I'm in the middle of this situation; the comunication appeals to me and it seems heading to a very much positive posibility. But yet the distance is a definite tangible situation that I really have to learn how to handle it.

How ah how ah? annnchuah? reminds me of cow-girl.

Anyway, somebody is off for his sister birthday party; I'll chooose to have a warmy dinner with my pals, at home for this weekend. It is as well another kind of emotional fufilment, isn't it?

about...the Hindeloopen

2005-07-13T11:56:00.000+08:00

I was thinking of taking off the link of The Hindeloopen Diary from Cafe des autres. I decided to keep it anyway.
Hindeloopen is a town in The Netherlands, located about 130km North-east from Amsterdam. Hindeloopen is a style of design by itself. As you may find something like a "Hindeloopen design coffee table" in some European furniture shop.

It's was named Hindeloopen diary - as the character, H, is a Dutch, so as hindeloopen, it's a Dutch thing. H isn't from Hindeloopen, but just it appeared in their early conversation. Something that H and the "I" knew in common.

Resolution

2005-07-12T17:04:00.000+08:00

Michael is leaving in less than 3 weeks time. Finally. A new life-chapter of his is ready to take off. I always wanted to go...but I'm still here.

When will it be my turn?

I have to set myself a new resolution. It's been a mess that I seriously don't live my life constructively. CONSTRUCTIVELY. Yes, I really have to.

What have I been doing the past 2 years? enough for mourning. I was really dead. living without minds. How these downfalls came to me I am still wondering. but enough for mourning.

I have to go. I have to go.

France. maybe any country in Europe. Michael you said that there is a will there is a way.
today is 12 July. A year. do something, do something that contributes, no matter it's just a small step forward. at least i'm moving.

moving.

Sex crave

2005-06-26T18:59:00.000+08:00

I had my last sex on June 12. 2.30-4.30pm. anonymous sauna.
I always remember my last sex. I don’t know what’s the point of remembering it. I just remember it.

It’s been 2 weeks. In my heart I hope it lasts longer till the next rendez-vous. Saving up my love? My body? Oh cum’on, Get Hot babe! (the Devil-me throwing off chillies at me)

Sex-life evaluation.

How is this city’s sex life? Was that I that advocated this kind of sex talk among my friends? Like ticking off a questionnaire.

Goodlooking? Yes/No
Nice body? Yes/No
F*cked/Get-f*cked? Yes/No
Big D*ck? Yes/No
Others__________? detail pls…

I wonder sometimes where these will lead one to. I didn’t really wish it happened. It happened anyway. Why couldn’t I hold on it if I didn’t really want it? Yes, I’m single, but is that a big deal? Is that really a big deal that if it happens with a stranger?

It is a big deal - to many people we don’t know. Then it must be that I’m so numb to it that I seem to have lost part of my conscious to have done so much of it.

Do something that contributes – to my life, to ones’ life.

I write this to remind myself.

Queer Slang

2005-04-30T17:01:00.000+08:00

Db=fatty
Dj=plumy
Dk=BIG DICK#?!
*expressed in Hokkien dialect

I wonder when these abbreviations came to be invented. Use them to stereotype people we come across.It is actually something not very nice to do. But the truth is I enjoy doing it without being aware of it.

The bitchiness deep inside you sometimes can’t wait to look for another loophole to come out.
One of the very ‘d’ ways how we communicate.
…somehow it reminds me of some rubbish I did when I was doing linguistics…

In 1960s, there used to be a popular slang among a gay community (mainly formed by sailors) in London, which they called it as ‘Polari’. It was spoken as to protect the discreecy. It has very much died out by now, anyway I quoted some vocabs here; some of these are no strangers whereas the others could still be of use when it comes to a right mood.

basket=the bulge of male genitals through clothes
bona=good
camp=effeminate (origin: KAMP = Known As Male Prostitute)
carsey=toilet, also spelt khazi
chicken= young boy
charper=search
dish=an attractive male; buttocks
dolly=pretty, nice, pleasant
fantabulosa=wonderful
hoofer= dancer
trade=sex
vada/varda=see
willets=breasts

Credits: Chris Denning
more at http://www.chris-d.net/polari/

Ships?

2005-04-07T03:35:00.000+08:00

Whether to be in a relationship not to be in a relationship?
Why sometimes it is so difficult to decide?
The consequences of having a relationship: Time, commitment, effort, compatibilities... and the list goes on. It's the "liabilities" of relationship that petrifies us. How do you define relationship? Can I choose something in between that I could still stay on enjoying certain things that I want it, always? Yes. There comes options like accompanionship, open relationship, fuckbuddyship, mutual-friendship, acquaintances... No matter straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual… we are all getting to want more for life.
Can we have something rather simple for relationship?
Possible.
With little commitment, you found someone with high click-ability, nothing too hard to take; comfortable and without string attachment. A nice, constant accompany.
You may call it accompanionship. Yes, of course with this kind of closeness, you could expect a full-bloomed relationship someday maybe. But before that you enjoy a moment of simplicity, lovey-dovey wanna be situation, having a sneaky-out break together by the nearest beach for a day or two –
it sounded just too good, but – I think that's about it. You don't go too far in a "ship" like this – because it can't afford.

No matter what "ship" you are in, no matter how, make sure you survive at the end of it.
Happy sailing – and sail safe.