Harry

Sunday night – 13 August, 2006. 10.30pm
I cried, and I was driving home.

It was right that I didn’t cry in front of him.
That was moment I saw our friendship has blossomed. All the long distance correspondences haven been validated.

After 1 year 2 months and 26 days, Harry appeared at my doorstep just like that.
He called on Saturday evening, using his Dutch number,
“How’re you and where are you now?”
“I’m home, doing some chores..”
“Open the door”
“Harry, please don’t play this kind of game… I don’t see you?!”
“It must be the wrong block… give me a minute”
“Harry…”

5 minutes later. He stood in front of me.
A total, complete surprise – Shock, is the word I’d rather put it.
He carried a bottle of Moet-Chandon champagne, giving me a big, big hug.

I really didn’t know what to say. I was in the mid of cleaning the house, cooking dinner – all these just came too sudden. For that 10 minutes I carried on cooking dinner, getting another portion… and I didn’t know how to take this surprise.

Too much I have thought about how were we going to meet at the second time – never expected it would happen in Malaysia – more likely, I thought I would see him the second time in Holland - but it happened, at my doorstep.

I thought I would be the one whom appeared at his doorstep, carrying lots of stuff, going to prepare a dinner for us – celebrating our reunion. But instead of that, he was the one gave the surprise. I was so touched, I was overwhelmed – nobody has done something like that to me. It has been a bad habit – I think too much and care too much about other people and I forget about myself.

I was telling Tina Turner and Haili about Harry (Haili has been my close mate since 6 months ago, and also a freelance working partner, somebody I know that we will stay good friends for a long long time) – that it seemed I didn’t sound very happy with this complete surprise – NO, of course I am HAPPY, I am totally OVERWHELMED – I just thought I could have planned more for our reunion – like I’m seeing him in Holland, he goes to work as usual in the morning, I have my holiday in Holland, in the evening I will cook Asian food for us for dinner – spending more time with each other – BUT, it didn’t happen that way – it is like I am disappointing myself.

Almost 2 months ago, I took out and threw away Harry’s photo in my wallet. It was time that I let myself go, too long I’d kept myself, too long I’d kept him – but when I saw Harry again in real, I knew I had not completely let go myself. He is too nice, too warm to let go – I had to admit that I had expected more, assuming what would happen when we met again.

But now, something tangible, our friendship has been validated, has blossomed – I can’t keep that intangible fantasy, that holds-up myself to embrace this friendship – I don’t want to miss it – it is stupid and silly to miss it. I apologized to him that I thought sex was going to happen, even though he said it wasn’t going to happen – too much I wanted to have that that feeling again – the moment we hugged after the sex last time, it was so calm, so warm, so intimate – it’s just like art. I’ve never experienced that kind of feeling – so close, as if I could touch his heart.

“You cannot hold on on these feelings – it will stop you from opening your heart to other people.”
“You have to learn how to take care of yourself.”

He knows me well. He hugged me. So warm. so warm.
He knows that if sex had happened, it won’t do me good, it won’t do the friendship that we have built long time good.

I got home.
I took out other Harry’s photos, which I put them in the photo frame, next to my bed, calmly, torn them into pieces, and threw out of the window.

Aaaaaahh… it wasn’t easy to let go. The instinct told me that I had met a warm person, somebody that I have been looking for. The emails, the calls, the SMSes flew across thousands miles, it’s still warm when I read them, I heard them and saw them.
Anyhow the fantasy, the expectations, the desire lingered, and I sank into an intangible unreality - It was no good –

It was another lesson that I learnt about to appreciate the happiness, the beautiful things that is happening in the current. What would happen in the future, the future will take care of itself.

Harry, you’re such A friend. I thank you, I appreciate you from the bottom of my heart.
You appeared in front of me again just like that – without any motives, simply warmest regards, hugs, kisses for a friend whom stays thousand miles away. You once gave me the urge to love, and now you gave me a great friendship –

I will always love you for that.