Vulnerably Sober

Sunday I met a well-endowned guy at Sauna B. He was just back to KL, starting a new job and new in town. And we ended up with the SECOND ROUND in the hotel room (and don’t get me wrong that he rented the room day before for he’s actually taking a break in KL). We have this stereotyped thinking that Chinese men can’t be that Big, but NOT SO, quite a couples whom I met, which were Big. Arggh, they are definitely massive enough to feed my crave. Yeah right, such a maniac, I know I am.

Couple of days passed, we still keep in touch. I guess we will remain friends and most likely the sex will happen again. He is quite a nice guy, at the stage of breaking up with his boyfriend; nevertheless, idea of having him as a boyfriend didn’t cross my mind.
Fact: he told me that he is leaving in 3 months time to Thailand for a new job; the current job in Klang is an interchange.
Fact: we tried, sexually we are compatible no doubt, but deep down my heart for what so far I have known about him, ultimately I choose to have my frequencies tuned according his, but they never really crossed.

J talked to me that why shouldn’t I get attached? Oh it never is that I do not want to get attached. It is clear to me that sometimes I desperately hope that I can be with someone, and so the good ones do not come easy. I’m sober yet I’m vulnerable. My heart tells me only whom should I fall for but at the same time I tell my heart what I really wanted – but what I really wanted may not do me good now - Patience is virtue, I think it always is.

I remember the saying, ‘Sometimes we think we are making a decision, but actually not, the decision has been made; for what we are doing now, is to understand the choice that we have made.’ It always gives me a clear mind again when I am dealing with my vulnerability. Whether it is to be sober or to be vulnerable, I do have a choice. It is the crossover stage which is unbearable. In between, I am vulnerably sober. It’s scary to be in complete vulnerable; I would not want to be in there again; to be complete sober, I guess there are miles to go; and I guess I will be quite happy enough if I am able to sustain the current condition.