The Complication of sexuality

This is about an encounter with a bisexual man.
It was not the first time I met up with a bisexual man. In fact, couple of years back, I used to meet up with this guy, very much with fatherly figure, for sex. We didn’t meet up often, the most 4 or 5 times, then in a way we became friendly and like an acquaintance to each other. I saved his contact named ‘Chinese Dim sum’. Reason being was after our first rendezvous we had dim sum for supper. He was a married man, with 6 kids, if I remember correctly. I ever asked him why made him want to try out sex with guys? Partly because guys just suck better, he answered without hesitate - and perhaps guys know better another guys’ sexual urge? Anyway our acquaintanceship didn’t last long as I lost his contact and he didn’t keep in touch with me since then. Is he considered bisexual? I don’t know, but based on his involvement in sex with a guy I would say yes.

Back to this recently met bisexual man. Apparently he is having a relationship with a girl but the girl isn’t around, she is in oversea, working. Why? As I was told, partly because of money – as he claimed he doesn’t earn enough. Well, he is a corporate guy, with an ok job; we’re ok in terms of we treat each other as friend, perhaps a little bit more than just an acquaintance, but not to an extent I would ask him about his financial situation. In the meanwhile, he had relationship with guys – and in fact that was the time he had the most remarkable relationship – but also the most hurtful time in his life. Since he experienced that he could involve in a greater relationship with a guy, what would he still choose to carry on a relationship with a lady? Besides the ‘complication’ in the gay men relationship, social acceptance, family acceptance were the reasons, he said.

Settling down, having children, a rather peaceful kind of lifestyle. The ideas promptly contradict me; will that too, be settling down with/done with your another sexuality? Will it stop you from remembering those of the days you ever had with a guy you loved so much? Will that stop you from meeting up guys for whatever purpose in future –
Seeing your children growing up, playing around you by the porch, by courtyard and suddenly image of a guy flashing in your mind, he seems smiling at you – the feelings the emotions that have been numbed seems coming back alive again, you are at that crossroad again – ‘dad, can you pick that ball up for me?’ your 5 year old son’s loud voice awakens you from the ponder. The clay mug in your hands falls off to the ground, breaks into pieces. What would you do?

He admitted having sex with guys gives him more pleasure – that reminded me about what a blogger friend once said before: gay sex is additive. Men are so easily intrigued by sex whereby if 2 persons are into each other, with right place, right timing, a sizzling hot sex could be easily triggered off. So much desire so much urge so much impact, it burns in between. Plus a little more emotional into-ness, I guess I would agitatedly look forward for the next rendezvous. I don’t know but it seems to me most of the bisexual men enjoy the sex better with another men but not the relationship. Perhaps there are too many temptations out there, no enough facilities for healthy gay relationships, or the society just can’t let the gay tidings be lived out as a norm (or even gay people just can’t live out relationships as a norm – making a conservative assumption: at least 65% of gay people wish to be in relationship, but perhaps only 10% manage to make it work. Part of the people seem mingling in a circle, looking for endless sexual encounters for fulfillment, but always falling into an expected frustration – the concept of spiritual/physical-sexual satisfaction, appeared in my previous recent post ) so the couples who are able to make the relationship work spiritually, physically, passionately at the end of the day are always the minorities. And perhaps their faith in relationship was even much stronger than most of the heterosexual couples - a reflection of hardship from long way journey.

He said that it is selfish of being a bisexual person. Perhaps he knows it can be unfair to the girl; perhaps he is at a junction where he is open up to a variety of choices that either one/anyone can please him – his own needs, his own desires. I don’t know how – that you’re not sexually satisfied then you outsource for supply; you go back to your wife as you are still spiritually, emotionally loving her for those sacrifices she made for the children, the family... - even though she can’t satisfy you sexually. Is that a problem? Would that be a problem? Is that possible to live a 2 different personalities parallely?

I remember once in an episode of Sex and the City, Samantha said soon everyone was going to be Pan-sex. Meaning everyone is bisexual. Perhaps the terms about sexuality are not important anymore, because everyone is open up to both sexes. I don’t know how to embrace this idea because instinctly I could feel myself being attracted to another male, not female – relationship wise and physical wise. Perhaps in a way I’m conservative that - I believe in Mono-sexuality; as I believe most bisexual men are rather gayish – as for bisexual women are rather straightish.

He said to me sometimes he wished he could be not in the middle – either being total straight or total gay. This phrase sounded very familiar to me that a friend actually said something like this before: I would rather being a total woman, or being a total man – meaning being a total heterosexual person. I used to have this idea that I don’t like bisexual people, I find them greedy – but I don’t know now. This time round I listened to a bisexual – friend, listening to his dilemmas and struggles; Was he born that way? Does he still have chances to live out an unregretful life? Can he try to be at only one sexuality at a time, whereby he has total involvement in relationship physically and mentally? Why can’t woman give him satisfaction in sex as well as man? I’m sure they are passionate women out there who love and enjoy sex so much as well as men these days, the modern time we are living in now. And perhaps he (and could be many other bisexual men out there too) is too tired to spend the effort in pursuing this ideal relationship concept. So much thoughts - life is in such a way I wish it can be simpler sometimes.

Living out the current is not easy, scratching up a fresh new future is equally questionable; standing in front of the dilemmas - taking the faith might be a rather optimistic risk along the quest of oneself.