Sampling the Memories

Before Sunset reminded me of how much I enjoyed European movies during those of the days. The whole movie was just about, (well not just about) Ethan Hawk and Julie Delpy, walking and talking all the time. It’s amazing to see them keep talking all the time, so natural as though it was a real reunion of 2 persons that had a rendez-vous nine years back and then they met, so unpredictably, so coincidently (or it was meant to happen). It is sort of the sequel of Before Sunrise ( I have never watched Before Sunrise, perhaps I should go and find it ), but I guess it is ok without it, I enjoyed the movie anyway. I watched the making, the actors and the director and even the producer ( or could be other crews) were together, putting ideas, in a way or another, coming out with the transcript – which was the core ( the dialogues) of the movie. So much about relationship they talked about in the movie, it is not about whether they were right or wrong; they were like laying out the fact sheets in front of you, especially those encounters that seemed so familiar to yours – your life and about romantic love.

“…each person has... you know, specific qualities. You can never replace anyone. What is lost is lost. Each relationship, when it ends, really damages me. I haven't fully recovered. That's why I'm very careful with getting involved, because... It hurts too much! Even getting laid! I actually don't do that... I will miss of the person the most mundane things. Like I'm obsessed with little things… Little things. I think it's the same with people. I see in them little details, so specific to each other, that move me, and that I miss, and... will always miss. You can never replace anyone, because everyone is made of such beautiful specific details.”

I don’t know, but it sounded like what I am just like that sometimes.

I met this guy online Monday night. We chatted and he promised to meet me up the day later, which was Tuesday. I didn’t expect anything, and I didn’t even have a photo of his. Going for a blind date, at my own house. How was is going to turn out to be? I seriously didn’t have any hopes.
Tuesday’s evening. He came as he promised. Descent guy, someone who’s physically compatible – I was relieved and guess you know what I meant.
We chatted a while and it was almost the same timing that we started to touch each other. I didn’t expect once we started kissing, it went off and I just couldn’t help myself not to carry on. (as this post is not about sex guess I skip the details) We had conversation, he talked about himself, his previous relationships… and he is single now. And he has this thought that he doesn’t want to get involved in the relationship again, it simply hurts so much. Having a relationship with a guy was so difficult; he was once so much involved in the relationship but at the end of the day, it didn’t seem worth to him. Of course we talked the so-called ‘norms’ in gay relationship, shared point of view, he is someone I can have a comfortable conversation with… and he said he might want to get married someday with a girl, having family, kids, normal life, peaceful life, something like that. I don’t know, I know myself well in a way I wish I can have such a life, but never with a girl. And perhaps 3 years back if somebody told me something like that I would probably be telling him off that he’d better not let me know when he was going to get married or whose the girl he was going to get married with – ‘cause I would probably blast him on the wedding day that how could a gay guy marry a girl, you would hurt her someday, if she’d find out one day, sooner or later, matter of time. But I am not sure now, well in a way I told him perhaps he should let her (if there is) know that he had been with guys before; he didn’t have to tell the details but just about his sexual orientation. I don’t know whether I am right, I just feel that if a girl marries a guy, she has the right to know whether the guy has other sexual orientation – and if she is willing to take the risk, by all means. Anyway, I guess these things do happen, and if it happens, I would not be able to help it too. Perhaps he said it out from his heart, he just wanted a simple life – with acceptance, socially, publicly.

He is somehow a passionate guy. In fact, I had wonderful kissing with him – he reminded me of Harry. I thought I would not have had this kind of feeling again (I really wish that it can happen again). The memory with Harry is still vividly in my mind. It’s something special, as it was said in the movie, nobody can never replace anyone.

It didn’t occur to me whether there’ll be possibility for relationship, with this guy – as what he mentioned, and also what I could feel from him. At least for the time being. It would definitely be a memory, a wonderful memory which I would sample in my mind, but try not to deal with it, so much.

“Memory is a wonderful thing, if you don't have to... deal with the past.”

Harry called me a week plus ago, wishing me (and to he himself as well) Happy 6 Monniversary; it was the day we know each other exactly for 6 months. He was sweet. I made him an e-card later that was with a message: love will come. (to him someday), as he wishes always. Love will come to you too, he replied in the email. He has been, on and off seeing somebody, not really attached, as what he told me, but now back to single again.
I don’t know whether there’ll be someday that “love will come to me”; sometimes I think it seems that I enjoy the process, (or I would say in the process of pursuing love, I actually suffer more) and I am not sure whether I could handle it well if “Love” really comes to me one day.

Back to the movie. Ethan Hawk and Julie Delpy promised each other to meet again after six months in Vienna, after their rendez-vous. But Julie’s grandma passed away, and she couldn’t make it. Ethan Hawk went, waited, disappointed and left. Perhaps as what they said, they were young and stupid; they didn’t even exchange, or leave a number they could keep each other in touch in case anything happened. Years passed, there they met again in Paris, and realized they both have been one of the most significant memories in their entire life. They both lived totally different lives then; Ethan was married with kids, Julie was single, independent, still confused by relationship sometimes; anyway these were not important. They met, again. I don’t know whether the ending could be considered predictable, anyway Ethan missed the flight back to States.

I cannot deny that I have so much feeling still sometimes ( I know I always treat him more than just a friend, a normal friend), with - Harry, and perhaps we are not stupid in a way (or perhaps we’re stupid), we exchanged number, we called sometimes, we email each other often still – anyway the friendship is certain for us. I don’t know whether this can be considered a way of dealing with the past, but I guess I’m glad it’s not too bitter to deal with - as sometimes I would still get a ‘kiss and hugs’ message from someone – thousand miles away.


"Let me sing you, a waltz.
Out of nowhere, out of my thoughts.
Let me sing you, a waltz.
About this one night stand.

You were for me that night, everything I always dreamt of in life.
But now you're gone.
You are far gone.
All the way to your island of rain.

It was for you just a one night thing.
But you were much more to me, just so you know.

I don't care what they say
I know what you meant for me that day.

I just wanted another try.
I just wanted another night.

Even if it doesn't seem quite right.
You meant for me much more than anyone I've met before.

One single night with you, little... Harry...
is worth a thousand with any-body.
I have no bitterness, my sweet.

I'll never forget this one night thing.
Even tomorrow in other arms.
My heart will stay yours until I die.

Let me sing you a waltz.
Out of nowhere, out of my blues.
Let me sing you a waltz.
About this lovely one night stand."